Taylor Park Boys – 98.10
Mooney Toons – 86.78
When Two Losers Play, Does Anyone Actually Win?
We’ll start the week 9 recaps the best way we know how, which is with the mediocrity that was named the MATCHUP OF THE WEEK. Neither participant could muster the strength to reach 100 fantasy points. Of the 18 total starters in this matchup, more than half (10) finished as single-digit performers. Cole even got back to his old ways by putting a doughnut in his lineup. But this potential Sacko Bowl preview entertained us all and left us with one of the closer scores of the week, being decided by less than a dozen points. With no skin in the Thursday night game for either member, this one got the chance to marinate over the weekend. Once things got rolling on Sunday afternoon, this one became a fight to the death. But this fight was over who’s team could suck less, not so much which one could shine brighter, if that makes sense? You know you’re in for an absolute treat of a scorecard when the only player on each team to break that 20-point threshold were the tight ends, which turned into quite a showdown in that lower half of the card. Dalton Schultz (27) turned in his best performance of the season, BY FAR, after turning 11 targets into a 10-130-1 receiving line. He’d have surely flirted with 30 fantasy points if not for fumbling the ball away. This served as a huge shot of confidence for the Taylor Park Boys. While we’re talking about this Texan, let’s keep the conversation in the same real-life game and highlight the resurgence of Maker Bayfield (19) with one of his best games over the past five weeks. Quite a solid stream at the QB position for Opey. That QB score looks so much better when you realize that the Mooney Toons’ start of Geno Smith resulted in just 2.68 points. As you scroll down that Mooney Toons card, you see the RB1 and RB2 combined for less than 10 total points, which indicates trouble for a fantasy football team. You can continue to scroll and not be impressed until you reach the TE position, as previously stated. Cowboy’s Jake Ferguson (22.1) turned 10 targets into a 7-91-1 line and his best performance of the season, his first time scoring 15+ fantasy points. But immediately below that score, I mean the very next player, you’ll see Michael Thomas and his goose egg in a FLEX position. This has honestly just become par for the course in Cole’s fantasy world. But it’s not all bad, as his play of the Ravens D/ST (15) turned out to be solid, if you’re into the moral victory thing. Posting the third-lowest score of the week left Cole losing his sixth straight matchup, already one longer than the league’s longest losing streak from all of 2022. The Mooney Toons now get the privilege of lining up against the top-ranked 7-2 Great Locker Room Guys in week 10. Now sitting in that dreaded dumpster juice that is the 12th spot in the standings, Cole has nothing to lose, and everything to gain. That is IF they can upset the Commissioner this coming weekend. For Opey, he’s just climbed out of said dumpster juice for the first time in a month, maybe longer. While #11 isn’t that much better than #12, a win was a much-needed boost of positivity for the league’s green thumb. Those Taylor Park Boys had better enjoy this win while they can, though. Week 10 brings quite the treat, with Justin’s #5 Tone Deaf Men of Mentone on the clock, a team that just posted the highest score of week 9.
Kmet the Frog – 118.90
Mike Vick in a Box – 113.82
UPSET ALERT!!!
The only thing that might be better than Opey’s first win since week 4 is Bobo’s MASSIVE upset of Devarus’s previous #3 Mike Vick in a Box. To sum this one up in a line from the loser, “Fantasy football isn’t really fun when Tyreek isn’t going off.” Considering this was the first time since week 4 that the Cheetah (12.5) scored fewer than 25 fantasy points, I can understand where that statement is coming from. Another matchup that didn’t have any players in action on Thursday night has brought us to the conclusion that no one really wants much fantasy ownership stake in the Steelers or Titans franchises... Anywho, your first glance at this scorecard would probably leave you with the feeling that Devarus took this one, as he had just three starters finish in single digits, compared to Bobo’s four, which also included the dreaded doughnut from Gabe Davis. I mean, the very first line you see is the QB head-to-head, where Josh Allen (24.72) dominated over the streamer that was Danny Dimes (1.9). But upon closer inspection, you’ll find that Bobo had four starters eclipse 20 fantasy points to just one for Devarus. Rachaad White (27.9) led the way for Kmet the Frog, with team namesake, Cole Kmet (23.5), getting into the endzone twice himself. Then, you had the Browns D/ST (23) piling on the fantasy points in their shutout win over the Cardinals. All that being said, Devarus still took a double-digit lead into Monday night. This was after the Sunday Night Football showdown between the Bills and Bengals was very good to him. Josh Allen’s performance has already been mentioned, but we should highlight the big games from Tee Higgins (19) and Dalton Kincaid (16.1) as well. While we can’t say for certain how much confidence Devarus took into Monday night, we do know he began the night with that lead of nearly 11 points and had the insane Jets D/ST left to play, with Austin Ekeler remaining on the opposite fantasy sideline, a player who has been hindered by injuries so far this season. As we watched the Chargers struggle to move the ball consistently on offense, it was their defense that kept forcing Jet turnovers and giving the Bolts short fields to work with. Just 70 yards from scrimmage was nothing for Devarus to fret too much about, but two short yardage rushing tuddies for Ekeler served as the nail in the coffin, securing the win for Kmet the Frog. This is the second consecutive win for Bobo, and now has his team ranked at #9 overall. He’s also in the middle of a three-way tie in the Champ & Chumpz division with Josh and Zan, all teams holding 4-5 records. His upcoming matchup with the #2 Sons of AnArchie could be quite a tall task. But with his team as close to full-strength as they’ve been in weeks, midweek projections have him competing within a point of Trevor’s stud squad. This one could get interesting... With this loss, Mike Vick in a Box falls to #4 overall. Such a terrible place to be, right? Well, to be fair, this team just fell to the bottom of the Watkinsville division. Even so, they’re still a favorite to lock up one of the two wild card playoff berths, and that’s if they end up not taking their division, which they’re still in the race for. Week 10 brings them a matchup with Josh’s #8 Back 2 Back, a team that may very well be finding their footing at this point in the season.
Back 2 Back – 137.06
Deshaun Wantsome – 128.68
Is This Really Happening, AGAIN?
In what could easily be seen as another big upset in the Church of Gronk, Josh’s Back 2 Back took down Dustin’s previous #2 Deshaun Wantsome. The Thursday night game gave us a matchup of Titan-vs-Titan, as Josh started King Henry (19.2) and Dustin started Nuke Hopkins (10.5). Both players seem to have had their fantasy lives rejuvenated by the Titans’ shift to rookie quarterback, Will Levis. Henry may be the stronger beneficiary of the change, as Thursday night’s game in Pittsburgh showed us flashes of the “old” King Henry. This is a dangerous situation for the Champ & Chumpz division, along with the rest of the league, as we’ve all seen this episode before. Josh’s team piddles around in the middle of the league standings, wins and loses, wins and loses, then has a couple of starters hit a ridiculous stride late in the season and enters the playoffs as one of the hottest teams in the league. This potential “breakout” of Derrick Henry has also been compounded by the Cam Akers situation in Minnesota. Akers just landed on the growing list of 2023 Achilles injuries, and now leaves Alexander Mattison (17.3) as the clear-cut number one back on the Vikings roster, one which will likely lean on the run game in the coming weeks as Josh “The Passtronaut” Dobbs grows more comfortable in the offense. God have mercy on us all, especially if Josh, somehow, puts together a third straight championship run... In regard to this matchup overall, we got to see quite the battles in the QB and FLEX slots, with Josh taking the cake in each by slim margins. Jalen Hurts (25.88) versus Dak Prescott (28.36) was must-watch in both real life as well as this Church of Gronk bout. Rhamondre Stevenson (22.9) versus Amari Cooper (24.9) in the FLEX was pretty cool too. But the true break was made in the WR1 position, where Stefon Diggs (22.6) more than doubled the previously mentioned performance of DeAndre Hopkins. While this win stings, it only dropped Dustin one spot in the overall standings, now at #3 overall. Deshaun Wantsome is now also tied with the Sons of AnArchie for the lead in the Watkinsville division, with both teams carrying 6-3 records. Even with key starters like Jalen Hurts and D’Andre Swift on BYE in week 10, Deshaun Wantsome is projected to win their upcoming matchup with #6 Bateman & Dobbins by double digits. The big question in this matchup could be which Brock Purdy will show up in Jacksonville? Josh now has a chance to take over his division if: 1) Dustin can defeat Zan, and 2) His #8 Back 2 Back can take care of business against a #4 Mike Vick in a Box team that is looking to get back to their winning ways.
Sons of AnArchie – 112.10
Bateman & Dobbins – 75.48
“We Didn’t Come to Take Part; We Came To Take Over.”
This matchup was decided by 36 points and change, and while you might think that’s one team getting the hell beat out of them, I think this one is really more a case of two teams severely underperforming. It just so happened that Zan’s lack of performance turned into the lowest score of the week. Before we rip into this Bateman & Dobbins team, it must be stated that two studs were on BYE in week 9 – CMC and Amon-Ra St. Brown. That tandem being unavailable would hurt every fantasy team. Still, this is no good excuse for six of nine starters turning in single-digit performances. Lamar Jackson (11.48) might be giving Zan cause for concern, as Baltimore has now won back-to-back games with Lamar failing to reach a dozen fantasy points. The Ravens are proving they might just be able to dominate real life football with defense and a rushing attack that doesn’t leave too much room for Lamar’s passing to consistently be needed. This is not good for a fantasy team with their eye on a division title and a playoff berth... I guess, on the flipside of that same coin, Gus Edwards (17.2) was a huge beneficiary of the game script. But you can’t consistently compete in fantasy if your QB is putting up subpar numbers. Gus served as the top-performer for the legal team, with no other player reaching so much as 15 points. On the Sons’ side of the card, the pair of Chiefs that have acted as the fuel propelling this team were nearly nonexistent in the fantasy realm, combining for just 11 points. But have no fear, for Compact Disk Lamb (28.1) showed up to lead the team to victory! Honorable mention performances were also turned in by Sam Howell (17.7), Joe Mixon (17.8), and Aaron Jones (17.9). This win marks the third straight for Trevor, propelling his team to the #2 overall ranking. This streak also has him tied for the Watkinsville division lead with Dustin’s #3 Deshaun Wantsome. The Sons of AnArchie will need to get their act together and show up in week 10 though, as they’re only projected to win by fractions of a point over a Kmet the Frog team that is riding high after proving that rankings and projections don’t mean jack-squat with their upset win over Mike Vick in a Box. The legal team will now question Deshaun to see if he really Wantsome in their upcoming matchup. Zan’s top spot in the Champ & Chumpz division is dangling by a thread!
Great Locker Room Guys – 118.64
Pat JJ’s Broken Chubb – 83.80
Dude, You’re Getting A Dell
Week 9 brought us the third-lowest score of the season for the Great Locker Room Guys, but this was still good enough for a big win that came by nearly 35 points and served as the seventh in a row for the Church of Gronk Commish. This one kicked off on Thursday night, when Tyler started the best Steeler running back, Jaylen Warren, against Keaton’s George “Slim” Pickens. George gave Keaton some slim pickin’s indeed, producing 1.9 fantasy points and failing to drag a toe on what should’ve been one of the easiest corner-of-the-endzone touchdowns in his young career. This receiver, who has made his living on highlight reel catches, let his fantasy and real-life teams down, and then went on a social media rampage, deleting all Steelers content from his pages. I’m still unsure of how his lack of performance is everyone else’s fault; I guess this is just a sign of the times. Young folks all too often lack a sense of accountability. But let’s just focus on this fantasy contest and not try to solve the world’s problems in a fictional sports blog. Jaylen Warren (14.3) rumbled for 88 rushing yards, more than doubling his previous best on the ground. This was also his fourth double-digit fantasy performance in his last five outings. Warren has settled in as “Mr. Consistency” for this Locker Room roster, not too bad for a man selected in the final round of the 2023 fantasy draft. With a solid lead at the conclusion of Thursday night’s action, the Commish rolled into the weekend with the confidence of Johnny Paycheck, telling his former employer to take their job and shove it, then proceeding to take advantage of his battered and bruised fantasy opponent on Sunday. Sunday’s early morning Bavarian battle between the Chiefs and Dolphins left more to be desired for the Broken Chubb, as Pat Mahomes (15.8) and Raheem Mostert (14.5) both finished with fairly pedestrian scores compared to what we’ve come to expect this season. In fact, Mahomes ended up the second-best QB on Keaton’s roster, finishing behind a benched Derek Carr (16.74). Not a great look. As if these performances weren’t bad enough, KJ Osborn got his egg scrambled and left the field on a cart after scoring just 3.7 fantasy points, and the Seahawks D/ST scored just 1 point in their 37-3 dismantling by the Cleveland Browns. A sack was accompanied by 2 fumbles, which is the only reason this defense didn’t finish in the red. Meanwhile, the Guys’ Mark Andrews (17) continued his campaign for the TE1 spot, and Tank Dell (29.6) put together his best fantasy performance of the season with a 6-114-2 receiving line. Dell finished as the overall WR1 on the week and it’s honestly wild to think he could’ve done more damage, as his 6 receptions actually came on 11 targets. Performances like this are much needed when your fantasy QB only puts up 7.14 points, which is exactly what Justin Herbert did in primetime, on the road against the stingy Jets defense. Until he gets his swagger back and scores more fantasy points, the J-Herb nickname is being shelved. The Commissioner’s current winning streak is one of the longest in recent Church of Gronk memory, and likely the best of his career. Tyler aims to extend this streak to eight and will have a good chance to do so in week 10, when his Great Locker Room Guys face off with Cole’s reeling #12 Mooney Toons, a team currently on a six-week skid. A member on a streak of another kind, Keaton has now lost three straight and hopes to buck this trend in his upcoming matchup with Brandon’s #10 Burrows Before Hoes in the week 10 MATCHUP OF THE WEEK. This bout between 4-5 teams as we start the final push of the regular season may very well send the winner into wild card contention, while damning the loser to a postseason home in the consolation bracket.
Tone Deaf Men of Mentone – 170.70
Burrows Before Hoes – 111.52
Tone Deaf Men Slap The Hoes
We’ll wrap up this 9th edition of the weekly recaps with none other than the unique combo of former champion and former Sacko, Justin Yarber, posting the highest score of the week, and it wasn’t even close. For context, Justin could’ve played against the second-highest score of the week (ironically held by his older brother) and still won more than 30 points. Downright dominance. Week 9 was also the second time this season that Justin’s team posted the highest score across the league, as well as the ass kicking of the week, winning this one by 59.18 points. But this one didn’t come without a little sweat and nerves. Well, there were probably a little bit of both between Thursday night and Sunday afternoon, anyway. Without anyone in play during the Amazon Prime game of the week, Justin had to watch helplessly as Brandon’s FLEX of Diontae Johnson (22) turned 9 targets into a 7-90-1 line, proving that there’s at least one consistent receiving option in The ‘Burgh. But once Sunday’s football started rolling, so did the Tone Deaf Men, finishing with just one player in single digits. Rookie quarterback sensation and the guy who’s got to be the current frontrunner for offensive rookie of the year, CJ Stroud went NUCLEAR against the Bucs on Sunday afternoon. Stroud finished with 470 yards passing and 5 touchdowns, easily taking QB1 on the week. As if that wasn’t enough, Josh Jacobs (21.8) and AJ Brown (19.6) added their production to the mix. Unfortunately for Brown, his record streak of games with 125+ receiving yards came to an end. In rebuttal to these performances, Jonathan Taylor (17.9) and Joe Burrow (22.32) tried their best to make this one a little more competitive for the Hoes. These were vain attempts though, as Justin’s Charger D/ST (27) put a cherry on top of this one in their Monday night massacring of the Jets, closing week 9 with just 6 points allowed, 8 sacks, 3 fumble recoveries, and a punt return for a score. This potentially legendary Jets defense is being wasted, and it’s truly a shame to see. With this win and Keaton’s loss, Justin’s #5 Tone Deaf Men of Mentone have now reclaimed sole possession of the lead in the Hamz Deli Shop division and may have a clear shot at extending that lead as their week 10 opponent is Opey’s questionable #11 Taylor Park Boys. In losing this matchup, Brandon fell back in the double-digit portion of the overall league standings, to 10th place. The Hoes have also fallen even further behind in the Tilt-A-Whirl division race, now three games back of the Great Locker Room Guys. They’ll get a good shot at evening their record back to 5-5 this coming weekend, when they lay down to see who’ll cum out on top – the Hoes, or a Broken Chubb?
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