Week 13 Recaps - 2023

Back 2 Back – 117.96

Bateman & Dobbins – 111.04

He's Doing It Again, Isn't He?

We’re starting the week 13 recaps with both of our Co-Matchups of the Week. This one must be first because of the drama it has created. We’ll get to that part in just a moment; let’s break down the action first. Thursday night’s high-scoring affair was a sight to behold for fantasy managers everywhere. There was definitely no shortage of points in any fashion! While the legal team sat idle that evening, Josh was the recipient of yet another great fantasy performance from Dak Prescott (28.26). Tyler Lockett (9.7) also contributed a small piece to the pie, but not enough to give our reigning champ too comfortable a lead. Not long after Sunday’s opening slate of games kicked off, King Henry (25) did what he does best, mashing the Colts with 102 yards rushing and 2 touchdowns. Henry would go on to be the only Sunday player in the Back 2 Back lineup to reach highlight-worthy status. Zan would be the beneficiary of Puka Nukem’s (23.9) first 20-point outing since week 7, along with what has become just another day on the football field for CMC (22.3). Unfortunately, Russell Wilson (15.84) and his red-hot Denver Broncos would fall back down to reality, suffering a close loss in Houston. The real story of this matchup was Rhamondre Stevenson (2.9) suffering a nasty high-ankle sprain early in his game against the Chargers. In a matchup that was decided by fewer than 7 points, one could easily assume that Stevenson would’ve been the singular piece to completely flip this outcome. But, injuries are a part of sports, especially football. And if there’s ever been a week that illustrates that, it was week 13 of this 2023 season. As you read through these recaps, you’ll easily see the trend; this past weekend was absolutely brutal. With all that being said, it’s time to break down how this result impacts the Church of Gronk postseason. Currently, Josh has a one-game lead in the division, with a 7-6 record. Zan is right behind him at 6-7. (Bobo also holds a 6-7 record, but carries no weight due to his current 0-3 divisional record.) Josh has already wrapped up division play for the year, going 3-1 in those matchups. His #4 Back 2 Back roster will face off with Cole’s #12 Mooney Toons to complete the regular season. While you might think it’s easy to chalk up this win for Josh, it must be noted that the Mooney Toons have just completed one of the most improbable upsets of the season, and scored what would’ve been enough points to beat Josh this past weekend, so this matchup is no gimme. IF Josh can pull out the win over Cole, the following scenarios are null and void. Josh will secure the Champ & Chumpz division crown with an 8-6 overall record, 3-1 in the division. HOWEVER, if Josh loses...? Zan will play his final divisional matchup in week 14 against Bobo’s #9 Kmet the Frog, hoping to keep his playoff dream alive. Even though he’s currently one game back of Josh overall, Zan is still 2-1 in the division. So, if Zan beats Bobo in week 14, paired with a loss from Josh, both men will finish tied at 7-7 overall, 3-1 in the division, and they split their personal series 1-1. At which point, the next stop on the list of tiebreakers becomes total points scored. Zan currently holds a cushion of roughly 150 points in that metric, so he will take the cake if it comes to that. In conclusion, Josh controls his own destiny. Win, and you’re in. Zan will have to win AND get a little help, but there is clearly a scenario where he makes the playoffs instead of the consolation bracket.

Sons of AnArchie – 127.40

Deshaun Wantsome – 82.42

Deshaun WantNONE

Our second Co-Matchup of the Week was supposed to be a heavyweight bout between the #2 and #3 teams in the league. What we got was one boxer ready to brawl and the other boxer exiting the ring just after the opening bell. I’m sure you’ve all seen that gif somewhere on Twitter/X. I’d tried to attach it to this post as well but this blog system doesn't have it. Compact Disk Lamb (32.6) got the ball rolling on Thursday night, putting together his second 30-point outing of the past month, and could’ve possibly flirted with 40 points if he’d worry more about catching passes that hit his hands instead of dropping them and looking for flags to bail him out. Despite how the writer of this blog feels about behavior like that, Trevor likely didn’t mind too much because he was the recipient of this fantasy performance. Sunday would bring Trevor even more joy, as Alvin Kamara (28.9) and DeVonta Smith (24.6) absolutely feasted in their games. Getting a trio of scores like this, paired with a couple of additional double-digit performances, can make the stinkers in your lineup smell just a bit less. Kyler Murray (11.8) somehow managed a poor fantasy performance in a game where his Cardinals dominated the Steelers in Pittsburgh. Even Hollywood Brown managed to put up a goose egg in one of Trevor’s FLEX positions. Not to be outdone in a quest for poor performance, this Deshaun Wantsome lineup decided to take the weekend off and give Dustin the honor of posting the lowest score of the week. I’m not sure if you would call it blind fandom or just full-blown negligence, but a fantasy manager of Dustin’s stature should be slicker than putting too much faith in so few teams. Week 13 saw Dustin’s lineup consist of two Eagles, two Colts, and two Texans. So, six of the nine starters came from just three NFL teams. That’s poor management from the Co-Commissioner, and not a good example to be setting for the league you help manage. Especially in a crucial divisional matchup that could’ve kept your dreams of retaining the Watkinsville mayorship alive. Whatever you do, as the league fundholder, please don’t use our money for your gambling hobby. While the first Eagle in the lineup, Jalen Hurts (23.92), salvaged a good fantasy day from a real-life ass-kicking, the same could not be said for D’Andre Swift (4). Much like this pair of Eagles turned in unbalanced scores, Michael Pittman (27.5) shined as Josh Downs (4.4) suffered. You’ve gotta know that Gardner Minshew and the Colts can’t feed two wideouts great fantasy performances at the same time. They’re far from the Dolphins, Cowboys, or even Texans. To top it all off, the pair of Houston Texans in the lineup both sucked, but we really can’t put that completely on Dustin. Devin Singletary (5) managed just 40 total yards from scrimmage, but the real kicker was a serious injury to recent trade acquisition, Tank Dell (0). Before being able to secure a single touch, Dell and his smaller frame were lead blocking for a goal-line carry and got rolled up on from behind, resulting in a broken left fibula. The loss of this player is bad for this Deshaun Wantsome fantasy team, bad for the Houston Texans, and bad for the NFL. Tank Dell was in the midst of a sensational rookie season that has now been cut short. Just another name on the list of devastating injuries in week 13. In the spirit of crapping on Slick Willy Watkins, he matched the Tank Dell injury doughnut with a goose egg from a healthy Cade Otton, who played 61 snaps against the worst team in the NFL and didn’t draw a single target. Bad look, bud. While we can’t say for sure if Trevor was trying to be a super smartass or just trying to soften the blow to his division mate, we witnessed something for maybe the first time in Church of Gronk History. On Monday morning, Trevor removed Joe Mixon from the starting lineup and placed him on the bench. Was this because Joe was involved in another bar altercation? Was this a move to rest Mixon for the fantasy playoffs? The world may never know. Regardless, Mixon (29.7 on the bench) gained over 100 yards from scrimmage with 2 tuddies and helped lead the Bengals to an upset win over the Jaguars in Jacksonville. This broke the Bengals’ streak of losing primetime games on the road, which is the longest such streak in NFL history - 15 total games dating back to 2013. And that was your fun fact of the day! By winning this matchup, Trevor’s Sons of AnArchie clinched the Watkinsville division title, along with a top-two seed in the playoffs and a crucial first-round BYE. If Tyler’s #1 Great Locker Room Guys lose in week 14, and the Sons beat Mike Vick in a Box, there’s a solid chance they could finish the regular season as the top team in the league, since they currently hold a slight advantage over Tyler in the total points column. This loss, paired with the loss of a star like Tank Dell, may very well be the first nail in Dustin’s coffin. Yes, Dustin is currently 7-6 and holds the third spot in the overall standings. He is in the driver’s seat in the wild card race. He controls his own destiny with win-and-in pressure looming over his week 14 contest against Opey’s #11 Taylor Park Boys. But there is a quartet of current 6-7 teams that all hold the advantage over Dustin in the total points metric. Those teams are managed by Devarus, Justin, Zan, and even Bobo. Depending on how this all shakes out, Dustin could go from the first wild card spot to the bottom of the consolation bracket in just one week. Fantasy football can be pure anarchy. And not that it may matter for more than bragging rights, if a Dustin loss gets paired with a Devarus win, Dustin will finish dead last in the very division he created. As the only member of the Watkinsville division to have completed his 4-game divisonal play, Dustin’s record is 1-3. Devarus could beat Trevor and finish 7-7 overall with a 2-2 Watkinsville record.

Great Locker Room Guys – 150.40

Mike Vick in a Box – 116.90

Bad Day For The Box

Though Tyler had already clinched the Tilt-A-Whirl division, and Devarus had already clinched the fact that he wasn’t winning the Watkinsville division, this matchup still carried a ton of importance in week 13. For the Commissioner, he was trying to hold onto the top spot in the league standings. For Devarus, he was trying to keep his wild card hopes alive. Somehow, both managed to satisfy those desires. This one kicked off on Thursday with just one player in action, Devarus’ FLEX of Xmus Jaxon Flaxon-Waxon Smith-Njigba (13.2). Despite having a touchdown taken away after further review, Njigba still put together his best fantasy performance since week 7. And while you’d always like to score more points with your Thursday night players, this wasn’t a total dud for a rookie who was forced into the Vick in a Box lineup by several other starters being on BYE. Sunday saw the Vick in a Box lineup jolt out to a lead as if they’d been hit by lightning, as Tua (19.2) found Tyreek (32.3) for 2 touchdowns, coming from distances of 78 and 60 yards. Luckily for Tyler, this left nothing but scraps on the table for Jaylen Waddle (10.2) and helped the Dolphins cruise to a comfortable 31-7 halftime lead over the Commanders. Such a lead made it easy for Mike McDaniels to rest his starters a little earlier than usual, also stopping the fantasy bleeding that Tyler was battling. Luckily for Mr. Commish, the Tank Dell injury made his trade acquisition of Nico Collins look that much better. Collins (34.1) would fill the void left by Dell with 9-191-1 receving line, and completely negate the damage done by Tyreek. Sam LaPorta (29), who was also involved in that Collins/Dell trade, posted a career day with a 9-140-1 receiving line. With both starting running backs struggling, combining for just 12.9 points, the streaming start of the Chargers D/ST (17) played a huge role for the Locker Room Guys, shutting out the Patriots in Foxborough, and piling on a handful of sacks and a fumble recovery. In the late afternoon window, Jerome Ford (14.2) would compile approximately 50 yards from scrimmage and a touchdown. And that left each member of the matchup with two starters remaining for Monday night. The Great Locker Room Guys would enter the final game of the week with a lead of roughly 20 points, and Ja’Marr Chase and Christian Kirk in play. Devarus had Travis Etienne and Tee Higgins in action. The Jags’ first offensive play of the game was a 26-yard completion to Kirk, who then left the game with a groin injury. This made things a little more interesting because it could’ve easily opened a path for a Vick in the Box comeback. But Ja’Marr Chase decided he was going to put the team on his back, turning 12 targets into a 11-149-1 stat line and 31.62 points, with his biggest play being a 76-yard scoring grab in the second quarter. Higgins (6.6) would go on to receive just 3 targets, while Etienne (17.9) actually had a solid game. It just wasn’t enough to overcome three Locker Room Guys going for, basically, 30 points each. Getting the win was a huge morale boost for Tyler, especially after the heartbreaking loss suffered at the hands of his rival, Opey, in week 12. They become the first Church of Gronk team to reach double-digit wins in 2023, and still have a lone hold on the top spot in the standings. But that could be thrown into flux with their week 14 divisional matchup against Brandon’s #10 Burrows Before Hoes, the team that just posted the highest score of week 13. The injury to Christian Kirk will force him to miss “some time”, which magnifies the importance of the playoff BYE. In the meantime, Tyler will lean on rookies like Demario Douglas and Jaylen Hyatt to fill the void. Regardless of how this upcoming contest shakes out, the Commissioner has secured himself one of the top two seeds in the upcoming playoffs. As for Devarus, this loss stings. But the good news is he’s still not out of the race. Devarus faces a win-or-go-home situation in his regular season finale with Trevor’s #2 Sons of AnArchie. As the highest-scoring team in the league, a win 100% secures a wild card berth. A loss would leave his team with a 6-8 record and in the consolation bracket.  Their matchup is currently projected to be decided by less than 3 points, and as spectators, we can only hope it’s that exciting.

Kmet the Frog – 149.52

Pat JJ’s Broken Chubb – 89.50

Was Week 13 Really A Loss?

It’s rare that a member of this league can suffer a loss in week 13, especially in ass-kicking of the week fashion, and clinch their division title. But because Justin and his Tone Deaf Men of Mentone ended up being the choke artists of the year, Skeetin’ Keaton Stanfield and his Broken Chubb have just won the Big Hamz Deli Shop division! Even if Justin finds a way to beat Keaton in their upcoming week 14 contest, it will have no bearing on the division race because Keaton has already won the battle of divisional records. Believe it or not, the Broken Chubb is currently 3-0 in division play, while the Tone Deaf Men are 0-3. It’s hard to make the playoffs in any league, in any sport, if you can’t win games in the division. But to get myself back on track for this particular matchup, I’ll hold the rest of the notes on Justin until we get to his rightful place in this column. DK Metcalf (37.40) got things started early, with a 73-yard touchdown reception in the middle of the first quarter of Thursday Night Football in Dallas. Metcalf would go on to score twice more, finishing the night with a 6-134-3 stat line. As we rolled into the weekend, Keaton made the remark, “You know it’s bad when the best player on your team is Courtland Sutton.” He wasn’t far off with that assessment, either. Sutton (15.7) would only be outperformed by one player in the Broken Chubb lineup, that being Nuke Hopkins (18.9). Some big names would give Keaton nothing to work with, including Patrick Mahomes (13), Breece Hall (10.5), Calvin Ridley (7.3), and Raheem Mostert (12.1). On Bobo’s side of the scorecard, only three players would finish with single digits, including the worst outing of the season for the Browns D/ST (-1). That didn’t quite matter after Deebo (35.8) tried his best to keep up with DK, and Kyren Williams (20.2) and Rachaad White (19.6) also showed out. This explosion of points was good for the third-highest score of the week and keeps Bobo in the wild card conversation. He might be at the end of that conversation, as several other dominos would have to fall for him to sneak into one of the two wild card positions, but it’s still possible. None of it will matter unless Kmet the Frog handles business against the legal team of Bateman & Dobbins this coming weekend. One position to really keep an eye on in that matchup will be D/ST. At first glance, you may give the nod to Zan’s play of the Steelers, who host a Patriot team that just got shutout by the Chargers. But don’t let the Browns hosting the Jags fool you. Yet another key injury suffered in week 13 was Trevor Lawrence getting stepped on by his left tackle, resulting in, at minimum, a sprained ankle for the franchise quarterback. It’s almost a guarantee that he will miss this game in Cleveland, along with the 100% guaranteed absence of the Jaguars’ highest-paid offensive weapon in Christian Kirk, which could leave this Browns defense faring very well for fantasy. For the first time this season, Keaton can put his fantasy team on cruise control and let come whatever may. There is already a seat reserved at the playoff table for his Broken Chubb, no matter the outcome of his upcoming matchup with the Tone Deaf Men of Mentone. Only bragging rights hang in the balance, and even those wouldn’t be too plentiful if Justin manages to pull out the win.

Burrows Before Hoes – 155.18

Taylor Park Boys – 134.78

I'm Makin' Waffles!

With a probable Sacko Bowl berth on the line, and their backs against the wall, Brandon’s Hoes came out swinging harder than a drunk girl in a Waffle House parking lot at 2:00am. For the first time this season, Brandon was able to post the highest score of the week. On the flip side, Opey’s fantasy bad beats struck again, as his fourth-highest score of the week just so happened to be matched up against the first. And after completing a sweep of the Commissioner in week 12, Opey gets swept by his other division mate in week 13. Live by the sweep, die by the sweep. Thursday night served Opey another bad omen, a trend he’s become all too familiar with. For the first time this season, the insanely good Cowboys D/ST (-1) let him down. All the while, Brandon’s combination of running backs, Tony Pollard (17.3) and Zach Charbonnet (16.9), put together quite a solid lead for the Hoes. As we got into the meat of Sunday afternoon’s action, Brandon’s smart start of the Falcons D/ST (17) against the Jets paid huge dividends. The down south jawja boyz travelled to the Meadowlands and forced the Jets into another quarterback change, this time pulling Tim Boyle for Trevor Semen, who the Falcons beat and discarded like a crusty spot in a teenager’s sock. Chuba Hubbard (22.4) would end up as Brandon’s top RB of the week, filling in a FLEX spot. Sunday night showed us all that the Packers might actually be competing for something this year. Jordan Love (23.68) went out onto the blustery tundra that is Lambeau Field in December, and outdueled Patrick Mahomes for a primetime victory. Then, Evan Engram (23.2) appeared to be the biggest beneficiary of Christian Kirk’s injury absence on Monday night. When all was said and done, the Burrows Before Hoes lineup would finish with just one single-digit performer, Old Man Thielen (5.5). And it’s not like the Taylor Park Boys did much worse. Aside from the defensive blunder, just one other starter finished with single digits, but it was a really big dud – Drake London (1.8). Sam Howell (19.18) put together a very respectable day from the QB spot, which would’ve broken the 20-point threshold if not for a bad interception. A pair of red birds sang us the song of their kind, with James Coner (22.5) and rookie tight end, Trey McBride (22.9), both helping the Cardinals dominate the Steelers. And we can’t leave out Opey’s Mr. Consistent throughout this season, Mike Evans and his 29.2 points. These guys played their asses off, but it just wasn’t enough. Let this be a life lesson. There are just times in life when you’ll give a situation your all. You’ll bust your tail and do everything you can. But it just won’t be enough. And the hard pill to swallow is that the world just doesn’t care. It is a mean and nasty place, and no matter how tough you are, it’ll beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. But life ain’t about how hard you can hit; it’s about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done! If Opey knows what he’s worth, he’s going to get up, strap his gloves back on, and take every ounce of fight he can muster to a Deshaun Wantsome roster that has more Q’s than a gender fluidity conference. A win in this matchup might not do a lot toward salvaging his season, but he can easily play spoiler for the Co-Commissioner and throw a huge curve into the wild card race. If Brandon fails to handle business against the Great Locker Room Guys, he could find trouble again, too. If week 14 brings us an Opey win, paired with a Brandon loss, they will both tie with 6-8 records. In this scenario, Opey would likely have the total points advantage, and narrowly escape the Sacko Bowl. It goes without saying that both of these men have a lot to fight for, arguably as much or more than those fighting for a wild card berth.

Mooney Toons – 120.96

Tone Deaf Men of Mentone – 114.96

Big Hamzlet Silences Doubters

This finish has to go down as the undisputed upset of the 2023 Church of Gronk season. Think about it. These two members might be as close to brothers as two men can be without sharing a blood relation. Their relationship goes back to early childhood. At a time when Justin needed a win the most, Cole took that from him. Cole, the owner of a team with nothing to lose, and honestly nothing to gain, kills his dear friend’s hopes of postseason glory. It’s a smidge ironic that Big Hamz kinda played out the tragedy of Shakespeare’s Hamlet over one weekend late in the fantasy season. I’d like to make a motion to officially change Cole’s nickname to “Big Hamzlet”. Can I get a second on this motion? Geno Smith (29.96) finally came through for the Mooney Toons, lighting up the Cowboys in Dallas on Thursday night. Rookie tight end, Jake Ferguson (19.7), also put together his second-best game of the season with 77 receiving yards and a score. Justin had no one in play on Thursday night, so he got the privilege of just sitting there and taking the hits. On Sunday, a healthy De’Von Achane (25.3) got a lot more work in a lopsided beatdown of the Commanders, a game that we can basically deem as his first appearance since week 5. Keenan Allen (10.8) finally had a down week, but AJ Brown (19.4) looked more like himself. Sunday night gave these two a head-to-head of High Knees Pacheco (21.3) for Cole, and Romeo Doubs (11.2) for Justin. But it all came down to Monday night, where Cole was starting Zay Jones and Justin was starting Tanner Hudson. Cole was carrying a lead of less than 1 full point into the final game of the week, trying his best to hold on. Hudson seemed primed for a huge night, getting force-fed targets early on, though his evening fizzled out around halftime. Another big injury that played a key role in this one was the Christian Kirk injury, which freed up quite a target share in the Jags offense. While Even Engram may have been the top beneficiary of the Kirk absence, a few more targets went in the direction of Jones, allowing him to outperform Hudson 12.8 - 7.5, securing a Mooney Toons victory by exactly 6 points, the closest margin of the week. And just like that, Justin’s playoff hopes lie dead in front of him. Cole’s 9-week losing streak has come to an end, and he’ll face Josh for a chance to complete a late-season Yarber Sweep. If he can do it, it’ll be the first time he’s experienced consecutive wins since week 3. With his Tone Deaf Men already damned to the consolation bracket, Justin will get one last chance to line up against the winner of the Big Hamz Deli Shop division, Keaton, for a vengeful regular season finale. Will Justin follow the motivational advice from the previous recap, and find a way to get at least one Deli Shop win this season?