Kmet the Frog – 137.88
Taylor Park Boys – 82.86
Life Alert Award, Incoming
Let’s start this thread with the bad news, get it out of the way first. For the fifth time in eight weeks, and the third time in the last four weeks, Opey has posted the lowest score in the land. His Taylor Park Boys finished week 8 as the only team to score fewer than 100 points. For the third straight week, Opey has been the recipient of the Ass-Kicking of the Week, an honor that no Church of Gronk member wants to earn even once in a season. This particular ass-kicking came by 55.02 points, administered by Bobo. In most cases, if your fantasy football defense is the highest scorer in your lineup, it spells defeat. The Taylor Park Boys learned that lesson as the Cowboys D/ST (15) was their only starter to reach the 15-point mark. I’d say isn’t the first time an Opey-led team has faced this dilemma, though. And a doughnut never helps the cause, which is exactly what Miles Sanders brought to the table. Leading the way to victory for Kmet the Frog were Gabe Davis (23.7) and Austin Ekeler (23.3). With just two starters finishing their games with single-digit fantasy output, Bobo’s squad was finally able to put together a big-league fantasy performance, their best of the season and the first time they’ve scored 130+ points in 2023. Talk about showing up when the lights are brightest; no better time to put on your best show than in the MATCHUP OF THE WEEK! While this win doesn’t come over a top-tier opponent, each win is a valuable thing to come by in the Church of Gronk and this one doesn’t count any less than any other. By taking this matchup, Bobo has improved his record to 3-5 and elevated his team out of the Sacko Bowl discussion, for now. Kmet the Frog climbs one spot in the standings to #10 overall, but has an upcoming date with #3 Mike Vick in the Box. That team might be the most dangerous in the league, so Bobo will have to make sure he doesn’t leave any rounds in the chamber if he wants a shot at winning this one. Remaining stagnant in the dumpster juice that is the #12 overall ranking, Opey’s Taylor Park Boys will enter their second straight #11 vs #12 matchup, this one against the new next-to-last-ranked team, Cole’s Mooney Toons. Church members should consider themselves blessed to witness another meeting of mediocrity…
Great Locker Room Guys – 134.92
Bateman & Dobbins – 117.58
Locker Room Guys Continue Being Great
This heavyweight bout was in strong consideration to be named the week 7 Matchup of the Week but was voted out as league members wanted to highlight the lowlights of the league in a #11 vs #12 matchup. There’s nothing wrong with that. However, this matchup ended up being one of, if not THE, most entertaining matchups of week 8, with it all coming down to Monday night. With no starters in action on Thursday night, the anticipation of this #1 vs #4 matchup had a chance to grow throughout the weekend. Shortly after kickoff on Sunday, Bateman & Dobbins jumped out to a double-digit lead with Michael Pittman Jr. (18) leading the charge. The Steelers D/ST (10) helped the firm’s cause, significantly outperforming the Guys’ play of the Eagles D/ST (2). Things were looking even better for Zan, as Tyler watched three starters in the early window finish with single-digit performances. But Great Locker Room Guys, Scary Terry McLaurin (17.3) and Mark Andrews (14), kept them in the race. As Sunday afternoon rolled on, here came each team’s big hitters – Ja’Marr Chase (25.2) for Tyler and CMC (29.8) for Zan. Talk about back and forth! Sunday Night Football gave us a 1v1 matchup of J-Herb (24.02) vs D’Onta Foreman (4.6). No, that doesn’t seem like a very competitive matchup, but the performance of Herbert more than doubled that of opposing QB, Lamar Jackson (11.98) and gave the Locker Room Guys a slight advantage heading into Monday night. Leading 105.02 – 100.78, the Guys still had rookie Jahmyr Gibbs left to play, while Bateman & Dobbins had Amon-Ra St. Brown to play. This whole thing was coming down to one Lion versus another, with both primed to shine. The first drive saw Gibbs get 6 touches with St. Brown getting none. It appeared the matchup may be getting settled earlier than expected, right? But the second quarter fell into the hands of Amon-Ra, who started getting open and catching everything thrown his way. At half, the Great Locker Room Guys led by less than a single point, making the second half against the Raiders absolute MUST-WATCH TELEVISION. It’s unclear if Bateman & Dobbins ever actually took the lead again in this matchup, but that didn’t matter after Gibbs took a tote 27 yards to the house in the fourth quarter to seal the deal on a sixth straight victory for the Commissioner and his Great Locker Room Guys. Gibbs would go on to outscore St. Brown 29.9 – 16.8 and ended up, unquestionably, the MVP of this matchup. Unfortunately for Tyler, Gibbs will be on BYE and unavailable in week 9 when the #1 Great Locker Room Guys aim to extend their league-best winning streak against Keaton’s battered and bruised #7 Pat JJ’s Broken Chubb. Bateman & Dobbins now fall to #5 overall, sitting at .500 with a 4-4 record. They still have a grip on the top spot in the somewhat weak Champ & Chumpz division. Their next test comes against a strong #4 Sons of AnArchie squad in the week 9 MATCHUP OF THE WEEK.
Mike Vick in a Box – 174.86
Tone Deaf Men of Mentone – 144.60
Have We Opened Mike Vick’s Pandora’s Box?
When you think of a team being “on fire”, you’ve got to picture this 2023 Mike Vick in a Box team. For the second week in a row, they’ve put up more than 150 points, finishing as the highest scoring team of week 8. On the other side of this matchup, the Tone Deaf Men of Mentone have nothing to be ashamed of. It’s rare that a fantasy manager puts up the third-highest score of any given week and still loses his or her matchup, but it does happen. That’s just a part of the luck factor in fantasy sports. At first glance on this scorecard, you’ll notice that neither team was too disappointed with their starters, as Devarus had just two single-digit performers and Justin had one. The big difference was Devarus with five starters of 20+ points to Justin’s one… Josh Allen (29.06) and Dalton Kincaid (17.5) created quite the Buffalo Stack on Thursday night, with Chris Godwin (17.8) giving them all they could handle in response. But once Sunday came, so did all the big hitters on this Mick Vick in a Box roster. AK41 (27), Travis Etienne (25.9), Tyreek Hill (25.2), and TJ Hockenson (20.8) put on a show and had everyone in the league watching this team to see if they’d reach the rare 200-point mark. Devarus is currently holding one of the most lethal combinations of running backs this league has ever seen at one time. Meanwhile, the only Tone Deaf player to break that 20-point threshold was AJ Brown (33), who also set a new NFL record for most consecutive games with 125+ receiving yards. Hopefully for Justin, his Tone Deaf Men can keep their heads up following this tough loss and have this high-scoring momentum roll over into their week 9 matchup with Brandon’s #8 Burrows Before Hoes, a team quietly putting together a solid winning streak. For Devarus, week 9 brings what looks to be just another bump in the road, as his #3 Mike Vick in a Box lines up against Bobo’s #10 Kmet the Frog.
Sons of AnArchie – 151.36
Mooney Toons – 102.06
Mooney Toons Spiraling Out Of Control
Another team that’s just come off back-to-back 150+ point outings, the Sons of AnArchie are winners of two straight and absolutely dominated the Mooney Toons in week 8. After taking a year hiatus from the Church of Gronk, Trevor returned in 2023 with intentions of making some noise. As he likes to share with the occasional Connor McGregor gif, “We didn’t come to take part. We came to take over.” Right now, it appears the only thing standing in his way of taking over this league is his residence in Watkinsville, undoubtedly the toughest division in the entire league. Imagine this – you have a 5-3 record and sit in the top four of the overall league standings. One would think you’re holding the lead in your division, right? Right. Except the Sons currently sit THIRD in their division. This is definitely a first for the Church of Gronk. The good news for Trevor is that two non-division-winners will make the playoffs as wild cards, and his team looks really good for one of those spots at this point in the season. But the playoffs are still a long way off and we’re in the here and now, so let’s recap this matchup! Just three of nine starters failed to reach double digits for the Sons of AnArchie in week 8, while three others reached our noteworthy status. Jaylen “The Penguin” Waddle (25.1), Jordan Addison (21.4) and Compact Disk Lamb (41) all put together fantastic performances, with Lamb putting on his biggest show of the year by a long shot. Because he’s such an incredible man off the field, Kirko Chainz (19.86) deserves an honorable mention. It’s extremely unfortunate for the man, his family, his team, and football fans across the world to see a man like Kirk end his season with a torn Achilles. But injuries are a part of this brutal sport and I’m sure we’ll see Kirk shredding defenses again in 2024. The only thing that might be worse than Kirk Cousins going down with a catastrophic injury is Cole’s Mooney Toons lineup. Week 8 was one of the very few weeks this season where Cole hasn’t finished with a goose egg in at least one starting slot, and the first time in six weeks. His studs, Davante Adams (2.1) and Darren Waller (1.4), were trying their best to keep the streak alive though! By law, we have to highlight Cole’s highlights. Don’t worry, the list isn’t long at all. The Slim Reaper (22.9) and Jahan Dotson (24.8) led this team as the only two players to score more than 15 points, one reason his team finished with the third-lowest score of the week. With this loss, the Mooney Toons fall to 2-6, five of those losses coming in consecutive fashion. They now sit at #11 in the overall standings and are right in the middle of midseason Sacko discussions. After what looked like a Sacko Bowl preview in last week’s Matchup of the Week, are we getting another potential look at the Waffle House Hoedown this weekend?! This one could get sticky… Trevor and Zan swapped the 4th and 5th spots in the overall standings after their week 8 results. They’ll now face off with one another in week 9 to for a chance to swap them again, but the projected advantage clearly goes to the Sons of AnArchie, as Bateman & Dobbins will be without key players like Christian McCaffrey and Amon-Ra St. Brown.
Deshaun Wantsome – 122.66
Pat JJ’s Broken Chubb – 100.34
The Chubb May Truly Be Broken
Our Co-Commissioner’s squad put on a little bit of a show in week 8, winning their third straight matchup and also scoring the most bench points with 90.7 points in reserve. In a lot of fantasy leagues, the sweet spot to just stay competitive and give yourself a shot to win is 120-130 points, which is where two of Dustin’s last three wins have come from. This lineup isn’t doing too much, but is doing just enough, and that’s gotten them to a record of 6-2 at this point and sitting at #2 overall with a one-game lead in the ridiculous Watkinsville division. Only two players eclipsed 20 points for the Deshaun Wantsome lineup – Jalen Hurts (27.36) and Joe Mixon (20). The real story of this matchup is how much worse it could’ve been, had Dustin put faith in his beloved Titans and started DeAndre Hopkins (34.8). Nuke showed immediate chemistry with the weird rookie quarterback who puts mayonnaise in his coffee, Will Levis. This was DeAndre’s breakout game in a Titans uniform (technically an Oiler one), so the question is – Was this an outlier performance, or a sign of things to come with a new trigger man in Tennessee? One thing is for sure, and that’s Dustin finally holding a fantasy piece he likely isn’t willing to trade away. On Keaton’s side of this scorecard, just one player earned a recap highlight, and that was Breece Hall (21.3). This was Hall’s second-best fantasy game of the year, with most of the production coming from one reception in which he scampered for 50 yards and a score. Patrick Mahomes (5.64) had one of the worst fantasy performances of his career, his only single-digit score of 2023 so far. Despite such poor performances, Keaton entered Monday night facing a deficit of just 5.52 points with Jakobi Meyers left to play for the Raiders. Meyers was coming off three straight double-digit performances and has just one single-digit performance when actually suiting up this year. But across the scorecard, Dustin still had the star rookie tight end, Sam LaPorta, in play. While LaPorta (19.7) was going off, Meyers (2.9) became the victim of a very poor showing from Jimmy G. This tough loss marked the second such result in as many weeks and has Keaton’s morale at a career low. Will week 9 bring brighter days for the Broken Chubb? Likely not, as this team is projected to lose a matchup with the Commissioner’s #1 Great Locker Room Guys. Meanwhile, the Co-Commish maintains his #2 overall ranking and gets his shot at reigning back-to-back champion and current #9, Josh Yarber, this coming weekend.
Burrows Before Hoes – 111.48
Back 2 Back – 108.16
Sneaky Hoes Just Keep Winning
Currently riding the second-longest active winning streak in the Church of Gronk, Brandon’s Burrows Before Hoes just took down the reigning back-to-back champion in close fashion. How close, you might ask? Well, this was the tightest margin of the week, being decided by just 3.32 points! This is the kind of matchup that really tests the heart. Stefon Diggs (16) opened this matchup on Thursday night with a pedestrian performance, by his standards. But those double-digit scores add up quickly, so I’m sure Josh was feeling decent about his chances heading into the weekend. As we got into Sunday, Dak Prescott (28.06) gave Josh his best fantasy output of the season so far, and King Henry (16.2) was able to put together just his second 100-yard rushing game to this point. Vibes were high, right? WRONG. Alexander Mattison (4.3) contributed his worst fantasy performance of the year. Want some salt in the wound? Tyler Lockett was questionable all week long, right up until game time, leaving Josh the decision of sitting him on the bench. Hamstrings are typically a tricky injury to navigate, and most players who carry that designation into a game are put on a low snap-count, at best. Lockett, however, proceeded to score 22.1 fantasy points and would’ve made all the difference in this matchup. But I guess the same thing could be said for Brandon, as a change at the QB position would’ve really blown this one open. Matthew Stafford managed just 11.38 points while team namesake, Joe Burrow (27.62), shredded that daunting 49er defense. The MVP of this matchup is none other than Saints wide receiver, Rashid Shaheed (24.3), with his first 20+-point performance of 2023. This outing could not have come at a more crucial time for Brandon, who needed this win to keep himself even remotely in the Tilt-A-Whirl divisional race. Slowly but surely, the Hoes are climbing up the Church of Gronk standings, now sitting at #8 overall. They’ll take this positive momentum into a week 9 bout with the leader of the Hamz Deli Shop division, another 4-4 team, the #6 Tone Deaf Men of Mentone. Brandon, if you’re reading this, wherever you may be, please make the trip to The Grindstone Tavern and spend time with your opponent for this one. Magical memories are waiting to be made there. For Josh, fantasy life won’t get any easier in the coming weekend, as he’ll line up to face Dustin’s #2 Deshaun Wantsome. Early projections heavily favor the Co-Commissioner over the four-time champion.
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