KI
NG HENRY STIFFY – 124.02
BOBO’S B****ES – 95.20
Start TE, Mark Andrews (6.3), left Thursday night’s game in the first half with a should injury that would sideline him for the rest of the night. Heading into the fourth quarter of that game, Tyler was feeling pretty solid because his now injured TE was right on par with Tom Brady’s poor performance as they both sat in the 6-point range. But a late comeback attempt led to Tom Brady (17.1) more than doubling his fantasy score from the first three quarters of action. Even with this being Brady’s third-best fantasy outing to this point in the season, the King Henry Stiffy manager still felt good about his chances to secure a victory over the B****es as the weekend unfolded. They did just that, riding Stefon Diggs (22.8) and D’Onta Foreman (31.8) to the promised land. The high performer for the rookie franchise was Kyle Pitts (19) who found the endzone for just his second time in 2022. Finally, Art Smith and Marcus Mariota remembered there was a tight end who was drafted fourth overall on their roster… Bobo’s B****es maximized their potential this week, leaving just 4.4 points on the bench, the lowest such total in the league by far. At least they don’t have to suffer the sleepless nights wondering “What if?” in regard to their lineup management. However, they’ll likely be wondering “What the hell am I gonna do?!” in week 9’s potential Sacko Bowl preview, when they’ll have to face Justin’s Bad Newz Kennels. Are both of these teams ranked 2-6? Yes. Does Knowlton currently hold a very slight edge in the total points scored column? Also yes, by approximately a dozen fantasy points. But only one of these teams is seemingly on an upward trajectory, and it ain’t the B****es. This MATCHUP OF THE WEEK will feature #11 vs #12 in a battle of fantasy mediocrity. As for the #3 Stiffy, they remain tied with #2 Kittles ‘N Bits at the top of the TEs & Tequila division and have to line up against Josh’s #4 Ric Flair’s Hair, a team as hot as any in the league.
RIC FLAIR’S HAIR – 160.34
MIKE VICK IN A BOX – 115.92
In dominant fashion, Ric Flair’s Hair climbs to a winning record for the first time in 2022 after defeating Mike Vick in a Box by 44.42 points. CMC (40.26) became the first player in over a decade to score a rushing, receiving, and passing TD in the same game, highlighting his health and abilities with an offensive guru calling the shots. Tyreek Hill (31.5) continues to be a fantasy cheat code in Miami with 188 yards on 12 receptions, vaulting him up to the WR1 on the season. Brandon Aiyuk (20.1) gave Josh his second-best game of the season, catching all 6 of his targets for 81 yards and a score. It also helped matters when “Captain” Kirk Cousins (23.48) outdueled Lamar Jackson (21.82), a QB who continues to drift into “bust” territory. Maybe Devarus can sleep a little better knowing that Lamar finally broke 20 fantasy points again though, his first time since week 3. Is this improvement? Or was Thursday night’s game in Tampa actually the outlier?? Cooper Kupp (22.9) & Tony Pollard (33.7) tried their absolute best to make this matchup as competitive as possible, but the rest of the Box roster just didn’t show up in week 8, including Marvin Jones (0), who apparently did not physically show up to the Jaguars game against the Broncos. After starting the season on a four-game heater, Mike Vick in a box is now on a four-game freezer, falling far, far from grace. What was once the #1 team in the league is now the #8 team in the league, and no longer tied for any lead in the Watkinsville division. However, they’re just one game out from being right back in the playoff mix and are faced with a great opportunity to turn this thing back around in week 9. They’ll be paired against Brandon’s #10 Mixon a Strong Drink, a team that’s been up & down to say the least. Josh has scratched and clawed his way out of the bottom of the standings and now has his team posted at #4 overall. If you’re looking for a potential heavyweight bout in regards to fantasy matchups, look no further than the upcoming showdown between his #4 Ric Flair’s Hair & #3 King Henry Stiffy. Advantage likely goes to KHS as they’re starting the Bills Stack of Josh Allen & Stefon Diggs, while BYE weeks leave the feathered Hair without key contributors Christian McCaffery, Brandon Aiyuk, & Jerry Jeudy. Thursday morning projections favor the Commissioner 118.63 – 101.10 over the reigning champ.
BAD JUJU – 155.40
MAGIC CITY SKEET SHOOTERS – 82.24
It appears Dustin has decided that if he can’t beat Keaton on the golf course, then he’s going to absolutely obliterate him in the fantasy realm. He really said, “You eat shit for breakfast?” (Obligatory Happy Gilmore reference since this matchup reminds our writer of Shooter vs Happy.) Our Co-Commissioner administered week 8’s ass kicking of the week on the backs of Dak Prescott (25.4), Jakobi Meyers (21), & AK41 (42.8). The margin was 73.16 points, nearly as many as Keaton’s starting lineup scored. It should also be noted that Dustin led the league in bench score for the week, leaving 81.68 fantasy points in the tank, also nearly enough to take down the golf hero/fantasy zero. Speaking of zeros, week 8 marked the first time this season that the Skeet Shooters started a doughnut (George Pickens) and came away with an L. That trend was bound to flop at some point… Nick Chubb (25.4) was the lone bright spot for the Magic City starting lineup as he absolutely feasted on the Bengal defense on Monday night in Cleveland. Not that it would’ve mattered ultimately, but the Daniel Jones (9.04) hype train chose a fantastic time to derail, while filling in for the Patrick Mahomes BYE week. The season has gone very back & forth for the Magic City Shooter McGavin and this has him staring at a 4-4 record at the bottom of a very tough division. He’ll get another chance at reaching the money shot this coming weekend, where he’s facing the #2 Kittles ‘N Bits, potentially the hottest team in the league right now. Will Shooter McGavin Jr. be able to regain momentum in his quest for the fantasy equivalent of the green jacket? Our Co-Commish’s #5 Bad JuJu have entered the playoff chat once again and look to keep the positive momentum rolling against the #9 Jr Varsity. This JV squad might be sitting at 3-5 and in the bottom quarter of our standings, but they’re leading the Church of Gronk’s equivalent of the NFC South division and have just posted the highest score of the season thus far. This could be a fun one to watch and has fireworks written all over it!
BAD NEWZ KENNELS – 122.48
COMMANDO DOLPHINS – 103.34
In the upset of the season, the 12th-ranked Bad Newz Kennels took down the top-ranked Commando Dolphins in a fantasy matchup we can only equate to Super Bowl III, when “Broadway Joe” Namath guaranteed his Jets would defeat the Baltimore Colts, AND DID IT. “Rossville Boulevard Justin” Yarber called his shot early last week and told us all that he was going to shake things up with a win over the league leader and then let Tua (29.18), Travis Etienne (25.2), & DJ Moore (27.5) prove him right. Everyone loves a good underdog story, so it’s safe to say the only person heartbroken by this result was the head Commando Dolphin himself. Zan’s highlight player in this tough loss was Kyler Murray (24.64), who gave nearly his best fantasy performance of the season. Despite this loss, Zan remains #1 in the standings as he previously held a two-game lead in the win/loss metric. Zan puts his #1 ranking on the line yet again in a tough matchup with Cole’s #6 Real Slim Brady. There’s a very solid chance that The Real Slim Brady continues to be the highest-scoring team in the league and secures the upset, giving Zan his first losing streak of 2022. Cole definitely has the best 4-4 team in the league. Much like Zan’s ranking not being affected by the result of this matchup, neither was Justin’s. His Bad Newz Kennels remain #12 but are tied in the win/loss column with their upcoming opponent, #11 Bobo’s B****es, in the week 9 MATCHUP OF THE WEEK. As previously stated, this matchup looks like a mid-season preview of the Sacko Bowl and should be like watching a trainwreck. It’s going to be terrible, but none of us will be able to look away. Once Justin fills the three voids he currently has in his lineup, he could very well be favored by double-digits.
THE JR VARSITY – 187.62
THE REAL SLIM BRADY – 178.38
Week 8’s tightest margin came from one of the highest scoring matchups in recent memory. NINE starters broke the 20-point threshold in this matchup, FOUR of which went for 30+! Note that neither quarterback was part of this conversation. Cole’s valiant effort as the second-highest-scoring team of the week left him just short of Dalton’s highest-scoring team of the week. For Cole, Derrick Henry (35.8), Antonio Gibson (20.7), Tyler Conklin (25.9), & DeAndre Hopkins (33.9) absolutely lit up the scoreboard. Unfortunately, the Bengal beatdown in Cleveland left The Real Slim Brady bruised and bloodied, with Joe Burrow (13.48) & Tee Higgins (13.9) putting up two of the lowest individual scores in the entire matchup. Dalton’s JV performed like a varsity team, starting Dalvin Cook (25.1), AJ Brown (39.6), Jaylen Waddle (30.6), & Amari Cooper (22.1). The Jr Varsity currently lead their dumpster of a division and have a chance to take some serious bragging rights over Dustin in week 9. Cole will try to reclaim a winning record in a headline caliber matchup with Zan’s top-ranked Commando Dolphins. The writers here at Church of Gronk headquarters predict a Real Slim Brad victory in this one!
KITTLES ‘N BITS – 119.30
MIXON A STRONG DRINK – 95.14
There may not be a bigger wave of positive momentum in the Church of Gronk right now than the one Opey is currently riding with his #2 Kittles ‘N Bits. This is without a doubt the most success he’s ever seen in his years as a Church of Gronk member, and you can’t help but cheer it on. A dedicated member who puts his blood, sweat, & tears into fantasy football each year and then suffers the most defeating bouts with bad luck you’ve ever seen or heard of. Things are finally falling into place as he’s riding a four-week winning streak and isn’t looking to slow down any time soon. Jalen Hurts (28.4) & Rhamondre Stevenson (21.3) highlighted the winning lineup in this matchup, while Brandon didn’t have a single player reach 20 fantasy points. The real noteworthy pieces from the Strong Drink lineup were Derek Carr (1.94) & Mark Ingram (1.2) both failing to give much of any fantasy output, really leaving this one out of reach. A strong drink ain’t enough to cure that kind of heartache. Both owners have something to look forward to in week 9 though! For Opey, he gets to face rookie management with the Magic City Skeet Shooters rolling into town, fresh off the lowest score of week 8. As for Brandon, he’ll have a chance to take advantage of a Mike Vick in a Box team that’s plummeting toward the bottom of the league standings with their current four-game skid.
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