M
IXON A STRONG DRINK – 110.02
KING HENRY STIFFY – 90.24
Well, the 2022 BYEmageddon brought sadness and despair to the King Henry Stiffy front office as the Bills stack of Josh Allen & Stefon Diggs (both ranked #1 at their positions) were on leave for the weekend. It also appeared that star TE Mark Andrews took his first of two BYE weeks in week 7, accumulating an all-but-nonexistent 0.4 fantasy points against the Cleveland Browns. Raheem Mostert (20.9) was the lone bright spot in the Stiffy lineup, though new acquisitions from the Panthers following the CMC trade have shown great promise after just one week – D’Onta Foreman (16.5) & Chuba Hubbard (15.3). The recipe to the Strong Drink in week 7 included a trio of players scoring in the 18-point range – J-Herb (18.12), Mr. Mixon himself (18.1), & Mike Evans (18.6). Luckily for the Stiffy, Evans dropped an open pass in the endzone, keeping this one from looking too far out of hand… The star of the show for the victors was Mike Williams (21.6) with a solid 7-86-1 receiving line. Unfortunately, he suffered an ankle injury that will keep him sidelined for “multiple weeks” by some reports, potentially even landing him on the IR at some point. #SadPanda. The good news for Brandon is that he has Tyler Boyd (29.5) in reserves to potentially take the place of Williams during his rehab. This loss drops Tyler to the middle of a three-way tie in the TEs & Tequila division with all members sitting at 4-3. Fortunately for him, the Stiffies do hold an undefeated divisional record at this point in time, which is more than his division rivals can say. He has a good chance to get back to his winning ways in week 8 by way of a tasty matchup with the 2-5 Bobo’s B****es. As for Brandon, he’ll face the tough task of taking down the blazing hot Kittles ‘N Bits who have come out of nowhere to take the #2 overall ranking by being the current highest-scoring team in the league.
RIC FLAIR’S HAIR – 106.50
BAD NEWZ KENNELS – 79.74
The Yarber Bowl ended up being quite the disappointment in 2022, giving us one of the lowest-scoring matchups of the week, including Justin’s week 7 low score of just 79.74 points. While it was good to see Tua (15.94) back in action after his traumatic head injury in Cincy, Etienne (18.9) finally blossoming into what we all thought he could be, and Jonathan Taylor (15.5) bouncing back from injury, the ASPCA dream that was detailed for our readers just a few weeks ago has received another defeated face to paste on the screen. Breece Hall (13.2), right in the middle of his rookie breakout, was owned by the most snake-bitten franchise in the history of fantasy football and tore his ACL in the mile-high city. Another brutal injury suffered by a Bad Newz roster that couldn’t afford any more bad news three weeks ago, much less now. Younger Yarber’s matters were made worse in this annual brotherly rivalry because four other starters gave him sub-3 scores, including Michael Gallup’s fat doughnut. Make no mistake, the elder Yarber suffered a very mediocre fantasy weekend as well, as the only players to score 15 or more were Sunshine Lawrence (18.7) & Pat “The Muth” Freiermuth (15.5). However, a win is a win is a win. This makes two straight for the reigning champ and he’ll look to keep the positivity rolling in week 8 as he faces off with the suddenly ice-cold Mike Vick in a Box, a team in the middle of a three-game skid. As for Justin and his IR Kennels, life doesn’t get any easier heading into the new fantasy week. He’ll visit the #1 Commando Dolphins who are on a tear of five straight victories. Man, the hits just keep on comin’…
COMMANDO DOLPHINS – 140.26
BAD JUJU – 104.18
Austin Ekeler (36.7) continues to dominate fantasy football as the clear RB1 overall with his third performance of 34 points or more in the past four weeks. Not once has this man scored single-digit fantasy points in 2022, with his lowest output of 11.2 coming all the way back in week 1. Though it was a no-brainer, this currently appears to be the best pick of the draft up to this point. Paired with the emergence of Seattle’s new stud RB, Kenneth Walker (28.7), Zan’s Commando Dolphins put up the second-highest score of week 7 in a dominant victory over Dustin’s Bad JuJu. When a team has two RBs put up numbers like that, it’s easy to cover up lackluster numbers such as 0.5 from Kenyan Drake & 1.7 from Noah Fant. Zan maintains his stranglehold on the Rolex-Wearin’ Jet Setters division, currently leading by two games, and is the only division leader with such a cushion. Dustin’s poor luck at the QB position didn’t take a break with Dak Prescott mustering a measly 12.28 points in his return from a thumb injury. The only player in the JuJu lineup worth noting was Josh Jacobs (36.5) who absolutely feasted on the Houston Texans with a 20-143-3 rushing line and his third straight game of 30+ fantasy points. After losing two in a row, Dustin’s Bad JuJu has fallen all the way to #8 in league standings but maintains a tie for the Watkinsville division lead with Devarus at 4-3. The JuJu will line up against a rookie Skeet Shooters roster that have had a very up & down season but are fresh off a close win. With most of us praying on even the smallest downfall for Zan’s top-ranked Commando Dolphins, what looked to be the best opportunity of the season suddenly looks much less likely. Week 8 gives us the Chargers’ BYE week, a small relief from the Ekeler 30-point games. The issue is that Zan’s week 8 opponent is Justin’s ill-fated Bad Newz Kennels who’ve now lost their star, rookie RB, Breece Hall, to a devastating knee injury.
MAGIC CITY SKEET SHOOTERS – 114.92
MIKE VICK IN A BOX – 113.50
Sphincters rarely get tighter than these two watching their fantasy teams duke it out over this past weekend. The Chiefs’ stack of Pat Mahomes (26.92) & JuJu Smith-Schuster (25.4) absolutely took over this matchup as the two highest-scoring players on the card. Rookie sensation, George Pickens (18.1), also continues to make noise in the fantasy community. Yet again, Keaton steals a win despite have a 0 in his lineup. Ironically, that seems to be his good luck charm, like a rabbit’s foot. When he has a player put up a doughnut, he wins! He almost had two of them when you see Dontrell Hilliard’s 0.4 just below Corey Davis. Regardless, a win is just that and it doesn’t matter if it’s by 1.42 points or 100! The star of the Vick in a Box lineup was Parris Campbell (23). Losing his third straight, Devarus must start taking a hard look at the QB position. Lamar Jackson continues to get worse and worse in regard to fantasy output, and it’s become glaringly obvious that he was the catalyst that sparked this team’s success early in the season. Will the change to Matthew Stafford be made in week 8, or will Vick in a Box management start putting their playoff hopes in a box with a fourth consecutive loss? We’ll find out as Devarus puts his #6 lineup to the test against the reigning Church of Gronk champion who’s heating up after back-to-back wins. The #5 Magic City Skeet Shooters have a date with the #8 Bad JuJu, a team that’s suddenly run out of black magic potions after losing two in a row. Which of these two golf teammates will claim bragging rights in the fantasy realm?
KITTLES ‘N BITS – 136.02
THE JR VARSITY – 133.76
Launching himself all the way to #2 in the overall standings as the highest-scoring team in the league is none other than Kittles ‘N Bits manager, Jaime “Opey” Jones! After several years in this league, this is the first time he’s ever been able to boast such accomplishments. Riding the backs of Eno Benjamin (23.3), Rhamondre Stevenson (23.8), & the Cowboys D/ST (22), Opey was able to get above .500 on the season, now sitting at 4-3 and in the midst of a three-way tie in the TEs & Tequila division. Unfortunately for The Jr Varsity, George Kittle’s (21.8) best performance and Aaron Jones’ (28.6) second-best performance of the season came in vain, losing this high-scoring affair by a mere 2.26 points. Much like the situation with Devarus & Lamar Jackson, Dalton’s emotional relationship with Packers’ QB, Aaron Rodgers (15.76), may be the very thing getting in the way of fantasy success. Rodgers has failed to reach 20 fantasy points so much as a single time in 2022, leaving him the QB15 after 7 weeks of action. That’s not gonna cut it in a league like this. A fourth consecutive loss can do a lot to a fantasy manager’s psyche. A fifth consecutive loss may send most fantasy managers into a spiraling psychosis that forces them to pack it in for the remainder of the season. This looks like it might be exactly what happens when Dalton’s #10 Jr Varsity lines up across the card from Cole’s #3 Real Slim Brady and their high-scoring ability. Kittles ‘N Bits have won three in a row and have a good chance to make it four as they face off with Brandon’s #9 Mixon a Strong Drink in week 8.
THE REAL SLIM BRADY – 142.64
BOBO’S B****ES – 92.60
Achieving both highest score of the week and ass-kicking of the week for the second time each this season, The Real Slim Brady rode Bobo’s B****es hard and put ‘em up wet, winning by a margin of 50.05 points. Joe Burrow (39.24) went nuclear against the Atlanta Falcons, and his first half stats alone would’ve created a pretty good fantasy performance. Cole also showed patience, holding onto Deandre “Nuke” Hopkins throughout his 6-game suspension to open the season, and was rewarded with 20.3 points in a week 7 FLEX spot because of it. The high score of the week was achieved because just two starters failed to reach double-digits – Russell Gage (7.9) & the Bucs D/ST (1). Much like his marriage, Tom Brady (11.7) is failing on the football field as well. Misery loves company, and Brady has that with Lamar Jackson & Aaron Rodgers in the QB Bust club for fantasy 2022. The best players of week 7 for the B****es were Ja’Marr Chase (33) & Mecole Hardman (28). Not that it would’ve mattered in the long run, Mecole Hardman’s best fantasy performance by far was wasted on Bobo’s bench. Outside of Davante Adams & Ja’Marr Chase, the B****es roster looks bleak and lacking in talent. Without drastic change, most of us will likely predict this rookie participating in the Sacko Bowl. Life for the B****es doesn’t get any easier as they face the Commissioner’s #4 King Henry Stiffy, a team fresh off a tough loss with the Bills Stack back from BYE. God be with them. Cole’s #3 Real Slim Brady is currently the second-highest scoring team in the league and is right in the middle of a heated three-way tie in the TEs & Tequila division. This division is currently proving to be the most competitive in the league with all three members sitting at 4-3, are the three highest-scoring teams in the league, and currently hold spots 2, 3, & 4 in league standings. The Real Slim Brady will face a flailing 2-5 Jr Varsity team that’s fresh off a hard-fought loss to Opey’s Kittles ‘N Bits.
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