Deshaun Wantsome – 125.06
Tone Deaf Men of Mentone – 113.70
Deshaun Wantsome, Or Does He?
Our week 7 MATCHUP OF THE WEEK gave us quite an entertaining bout, waiting until the final snaps of Monday Night Football to be decided, and also giving us the tightest margin of the week, 11.36 points! Without any starters in action on Thursday, the anticipation for this bout continued to build over the weekend. Extremely early into Sunday’s action, Justin knew his week was almost surely blown, as he started Deshaun Watson fresh off a three-week injury absence. After just 12 snaps, 1 completion, 1 interception, and -1.8 fantasy points, Watson’s afternoon was over before it really even got started. Which begs the question, did Deshaun really want some? Appears not. It’s not like this was Justin’s primary desire to start at QB though, just another example of BYE week woes with CJ Stroud unavailable for fantasy. The Tone Deaf Men’s best play on Sunday was the Bears D/ST (17) in their domination of the Raiders. It would be wrong if we didn’t also give honorable mention to Najee Harris (15.8) with just his second double-digit performance in 2023. He’s still the second-best back in Pittsburgh. Despite the quarterback issues, Justin had to feel a slight chance to make something shake in this matchup, as the best Sunday performers for Dustin were Josh Palmer (18.3) and George “Slim” Pickens (15.7). This matchup entered Monday night with a quartet of Eagles left to play and Dustin leading by a slim margin of just 11 points and change. The issue here is that three of those four Eagles were on the Deshaun Wantsome roster… However, the most explosive of those Eagles, AJ Brown, was fighting for the Tone Deaf Men, and explode he did! Brown received 15 targets, turning them into a 10-137-1 stat line, good for 29.7 fantasy points. Unfortunately for the former Church of Gronk champ, Jalen Hurts (23.26) combined with D’Andre Swift (10.5) and Dallas Joe Dirt (18.7) for a Philly Special threesome to hold onto the lead and win by nearly the same exact margin as they entered Monday night with. This was a tough loss, and it can almost completely be attributed to the failings of the QB position on Justin’s roster. Bad breaks are a part of this game, though hearing this doesn’t alleviate the pain so much as an ounce. With the loss, the Tone Deaf Men of Mentone fall all the way from the top spot in the standings to #6 overall. The good news for them is that they still have control of their division, tied at 4-3 with Keaton’s Pat JJ’s Broken Chubb. Justin gets a chance to rebound in week 8 with his roster at full force, facing not a single BYE week, in a matchup against a dangerous #3 Mike Vick in a Box squad. Dustin is coming off back-to-back wins and will now have to put that new #2 ranking to the test against a #7 Pat JJ’s Broken Chubb team that is looking to get back into the win column.
Burrows Before Hoes – 94.54
Kmet the Frog – 82.96
Hoes Make It Two In A Row
The real feel-good story of the season right now is the resurgence of Brandon’s Burrows Before Hoes. This team drafted Cooper Kupp (IR) and Jonathan Taylor (PUP). That’s two historical fantasy studs who were guaranteed to miss the first four weeks of the season, at a minimum. It’s a huge gamble to take even one of those players onto your roster when the regular season is just fourteen weeks long, but scared money don’t make no money, and Brandon will be the first one to tell you he’s got the damn money. Patiently lurking in the shadows at the bottom of the Church of Gronk standings for the first quarter of the season, waiting for the right time to pounce, the Hoes have now won two consecutive matchups and have climbed out of the bottom third of the league standings, sitting at #9 overall. Brandon trusted the process and managed to win this week with three guaranteed weekly starters on BYE, but Jonathan Taylor (21) finally made his grand appearance, ending as the only Hoes player to score more than 15 points. Five of Brandon’s starters also failed to produce double digits. “If that’s the case, how was Brandon able to pull this off?!” you might ask. Well, it helps to be lined up against the second-worst team in the league. Bobo’s best performers of week 7 were the Browns D/ST (16), thanks to Myles Garrett, and Rachaad White (15.9). Four other starters finished with single digits, including a TE doughnut from team namesake, Cole Kmet. This isn’t a great look for Kmet the Frog, as this stinker of a performance came on the back of zero BYE week absences… Now #11 overall, Kmet the Frog may find a bit of relief in the coming weekend, as they’ll face off with Opey’s #12 Taylor Park Boys in what could very likely be a midseason Sacko Bowl preview. Burrows Before Hoes will face off with the reigning back-to-back champion, #8 Back 2 Back. Josh’s team seems to be in the middle of a championship hangover, so this one could honestly get interesting.
Sons of AnArchie – 154.32
Pat JJ’s Broken Chubb – 121.66
Sons Beat The Chubb
When you think you have the number one wide receiver on a team, and that receiver goes out on Thursday night and finishes with 1-5-0 stat line, you know you’re in for a long weekend. That’s exactly what happened to Keaton and his start of Jaguars’ Calvin Ridley (1.5) in the Thursday night game against the Saints. The early window of Sunday games didn’t bring Keaton much more hope, with his best performer in that frame being Jakobi Meyers (18). But the 4:30pm window opened things up a little bit, when Popcorn Sutton (19.6) put together his best fantasy performance of the season thus far, and Patrick Mahomes (33.86) did the same. The issue with this is that most of Mahomes’ production was directly linked to Travis Kelce (35.9) and his best game of the year on the opposite side of the scorecard. “High Knees” Pacheco (16) was in on a little bit of that action too. Once Sunday came to a close, Keaton actually held a lead of nearly 10 points, with the Vikings’ KJ Osborn left to play on Monday night. If only KJ could have a great game, he’d basically negate the play of Kirk Cousins in the Sons’ QB slot. But that’s not how this one played out. Though Osborn is the more experienced receiver in Minnesota that is filling in for the absence of Justin Jefferson, it was rookie Jordan Addison (31.3) who combined with Kirko Chainz (21.02) to complete the “Skol Stack” for Trevor. Addison turned 10 targets into a 7-123-2 receiving line in his rookie breakout game and did so against a formidable 49ers defense in primetime. This was a big win for Trevor, elevating his team two spots in the standings, to #5 overall. This keeps him right in the middle of the midseason playoff race as well as in the middle of contention for the most competitive division in the league. It’s no surprise that the Sons of AnArchie will be favored in their week 8 matchup with Cole’s #10 Mooney Toons, a team that’s currently in the middle of terrible drought. The Broken Chubb faces the tall task of taking on the #2 team in the league, the Co-Commish’s Deshaun Wantsome, in the coming weekend. This is one that he could surely feel solid about if Jettas wasn’t on injured reserve, but that key absence could very well be the difference in this matchup.
Great Locker Room Guys – 135.46
Back 2 Back – 75.56
Locker Room Guys Just Keep Winning
The hottest team in the league just completed their fifth straight victory, winning by nearly 60 points, and now sits atop the standings at #1 overall. With their top pick, a stud WR, on BYE, the Locker Room Guys’ confidence was shaken, to say the least, before week 7 kicked off. It’s not like the reigning champion has had a great start to the season, but you never know when a Josh Yarber-led team will flip the switch and start a run. A small portion of the Commissioner’s missing confidence was restored after Christian Kirk (19) took a short crossing route 44 yards for the go-ahead score, sealing a big win for his Jaguars on Thursday night in N’awlins. But again, one can never get ahead of themself in fantasy football. The GLRG roster has been suffering from severe mediocrity in the RB department all season, but Jerome Ford (17.4) finally stood up for that expensive FAAB dump that got him onto this roster with a long touchdown run to open his game against the Colts on Sunday afternoon. That performance was accompanied by Jahmyr Gibbs (27.6) finally living up to his second-round draft capital with David Montgomery M.I.A. Maybe, just maybe, this will show Dan Campbell that this rookie running back might be the most explosive player on the offensive side of his roster and Gibbs can continue to get more touches. Mark Andrews (22.3) also contributed to this win by scoring 2 tuddies of his own and showing why he’s a top-3 TE in fantasy. When all was said and done, the Great Locker Room Guys’ starting lineup finished with just one single-digit performer, a stark contrast from their opponent. This Back 2 Back lineup produced six single-digit performers, with Stefon Diggs’ (17.8) second-worst game of the year being the team’s high scorer and the only one to break the 15-point mark. Such a down overall performance also left Josh with the unfortunate recognition of being the lowest scoring team of the week. Back 2 Back remains stagnant in the standings, staying at #8 overall. They’ll put that ranking on the line in week 8 in a matchup against Brandon’s #9 Burrows Before Hoes. As the saying goes, “Heavy is the crown.” That sums up the feelings Tyler has about his upcoming matchup with #4 Bateman & Dobbins, a fellow division leader at the moment. This is the first week that the Great Locker Room Guys have held the top spot in the standings, something that has seemed somewhat of a burden to all other members, who have failed to hold the spot for more than one week at a time. But with wide receivers like Ja’Marr Chase and Tank Dell coming back from BYE weeks, early projections favor the #1 team by the slimmest of margins. GAME ON!
Mike Vick in a Box – 169.50
Mooney Toons – 108.06
Is Big Hamz Deli Shop In Trouble?
For the fourth straight week, the Mooney Toons fall short of victory. This is likely due to four straight weeks that Cole has started a player turning in an individual score beginning with a zero. Let’s review the list: Week 4 – Jimmy G (0.00), Week 5 – Marvin Mims (-0.60), Week 6 – Jahan Dotson (0.00), and Week 7 – Bijan Robinson (0.3). If there’s one trend you don’t want to develop in fantasy football, this is it. Granted, the most recent member of this list was an anomaly because nobody from the Falcons organization made the public privy to key information, before the game, that Bijan Robinson was battling the Buccaneer Flu in Tampa. Bijian played 11 snaps and carried the ball just 1 time before concluding that he could not contribute any more. Bijan just ain’t got that DAWG in him like MJ had in his flu game… (Insert shoulder-shrug emoji.) This was a huge blow to a team that was already in a 52-point hole before the calendar could even flip over to Friday morning. In the Thursday night Amazon Prime game, Devarus played both starting running backs from the Jaguars and Saints. Travis Etienne (22.7) and Alvin Kamara (29.3) each did their thang, combining to give Devarus a very comfortable lead heading into the weekend, where shit just continued to get sweeter. Despite an embarrassing loss to the previously 1-5 New England Patriots, Josh Allen put up 24.3 fantasy points. Then, Jaxon Smith-Njigba (16.3) scored his first career touchdown with an increased role in DK Metcalf’s absence. This could be a sign of things to come. Tyreek Hill (25.8) capped off Sunday night’s action with what we’ve honestly come to expect of him on a weekly basis. Oh, and then TJ Hockenson (19.6) just put the cherry on top of this beatdown in Monday night’s upset of the Vikings over the 49ers. The final margin of victory in this one was 61.44 points. This result rounds out the week 7 Watkinsville sweep of the Big Hamz Deli Shop division. According to Watkinsville Mayor, Slick Willy Watkins, “This town ain’t big enough for a second sausage fest.” Cole will voice his case to remain open for business in Watkinsville to City Councilman, Trevor Norris, in week 8. With the way things are currently forecasted, Cole’s chances look bleak. Devarus will keep his matchup in the top-half of the current league standings, now taking his #3 Mike Vick in a Box lineup to Mentone to face Justin’s #6 Tone Deaf Men. This matchup is projected to be a high-flying, high-scoring affair!
Bateman & Dobbins – 181.38
Taylor Park Boys – 85.80
#TiltKing Found Guilty, Sentenced
There is an Ass-Kicking of the Week every week in the Church of Gronk. But no two ass-kickings are the same. And occasionally, you’ll get one that really stands out from the rest. This is one of those ass-kickings, finishing with a margin of 95.58 points... Just when you thought things couldn’t get worse for the bottom-ranked Taylor Park Boys, here comes the league’s legal firm with an indictment against them for being the worst team in the Church of Gronk fantasy football league. At trial, Opey’s scorecard was presented as the primary exhibit for the prosecution’s case. It was horrifying, with Christian Watson (5.7) and Zach Ertz (4.9) listed. Ertz is now headed to the IR with a strained quad, an awful case of collateral damage. The most damning piece of evidence was the vile, disgusting RB2 doughnut from Kendre Miller. When this was presented, the crowd’s reaction was something from a movie scene. Men gagged. Women wept. Just ruthless work by the Taylor Park Boys’ ringleader. As if this wasn’t enough to sway a jury in their favor, Bateman & Dobbins called forth five key witnesses to be put on the stand and give their testimony. Lamar Jackson (33.88), D’Onta Foreman (33), Christian McCaffrey (22.6), Amon-Ra St. Brown (23.2), and Puka Nacua (23.4) each fielded questions. Obviously, an open-and-shut case, the jury returned after just a few moments of deliberation to deliver the verdict: GUILTY OF FIRST-DEGREE FANTASY NEGLIGENCE AND MISMANAGEMENT. The presiding judge then handed down the sentence of mandatory confinement at the bottom of league standings until further notice. Opey may request a hearing before a parole board if and when he completes several consecutive weeks of good behavior and fantasy football management rehabilitation. If those stipulations are not met, the inmate may likely face the state’s equivalent of the death penalty, the Waffle House Challenge. The 12th-ranked Taylor Park Boys will face their first test in this rehabilitation journey with their easiest challenge, 11th-ranked Kmet the Frog. This meeting of mediocrity may very well end up being named the week 8 MATCHUP OF THE WEEK, because a truly self-aware fantasy league knows that we couldn’t really appreciate that which is good without also recognizing the bad and the ugly. The Bateman & Dobbins firm, coming off the highest score across the league in week 7, will put their #4 ranking to the test when they face the new league #1, the Great Locker Room Guys. This matchup could very well have huge playoff implications!
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