Tone Deaf Men of Mentone – 127.26
Sons of AnArchie – 116.04
Worst (in 2022) To First (for now)
This morning, I’ll start by giving you the good news. The good news, at least for Justin, is that our MATCHUP OF THE WEEK did not disappoint, and his win has elevated the Tone Deaf Men of Mentone to #1 overall in the Church of Gronk standings! The banter between Justin and Trevor has been fun for all of us in the group chat, with GIFs and photoshops galore. The fantasy action kicked off on Thursday night as our Missouri member started his pair of Chiefs – Isaiah “High Knees” Pacheco (15.8) and Travis Swift (21.4). While it’s never fun to watch an opponent have a starter go off like Travis did in the early game of the week, Justin surely slept a bit more sound after his play of the Chiefs D/ST (14) pretty much negated the performance of Pacheco. As Sunday’s action rolled along, neither of these men had to feel overly positive about their squads. A lot of average fantasy performances were turned in, along with some real duds. Justin’s TE start of Hunter Henry (1.7) came up 20 points shy of the TE across the scorecard, which is never good. But some of that ground was made up by CJ Stroud (14.16) nearly doubling the output of the Kirk Cousins (8.74). Speaking of Cousins, the Sons thought they’d be slick by trading for Jordan Addison (11.8) and stacking the pair of Vikings with Justin Jefferson on IR. While they did connect for a score, they both turned in lackluster performances that left a bad taste in Trevor’s mouth. AJ Brown (20.1) was a great play in a FLEX spot for Justin, keeping him in this one. Monday night is when this matchup really got interesting, though. Nursing a lead of roughly 8 points, the Tone Deaf Men had Keenan Allen starting for the Chargers, while the Sons had Compact Disk Lamb starting for the Cowboys. Both this fantasy matchup and the real-life matchup were buzzing. There was even a bit of a donnybrook that broke out between the two teams during pregame warmups. IT. WAS. ELECTRIC! Early on, Dak was almost force-feeding CeeDee, giving us the impression that Trevor may very well overcome the deficit and pull this thing out. But the first Chargers’ possession was capped off by a 2-yard touchdown pass from Justin Herbert to Keenan Allen. As the night progressed, Allen was the only receiver for L.A. that could consistently catch passes that weren’t negated by penalties, and he ended the night with 21.5 fantasy points. At 31 years old, Keenan told CeeDee (18.7) he could “hold deez” while he led the Tone Deaf Men of Mentone to their third straight victory. While he’s managing one of the hottest teams in the Church of Gronk at the moment, Justin’s path doesn’t get any easier with week seven landing him in another potential MATCHUP OF THE WEEK. This time, against Dustin’s #3 Deshaun Wantsome. Trevor doesn’t get a walk in the park to rebound from this loss either, as his #7 Sons of AnArchie will line up against Keaton’s #2 Pat JJ’s Broken Chubb, a team fresh off back-to-back wins.
Back 2 Back – 116.58
Taylor Park Boys – 82.72
Back 2 Back Gets Back To Winning
Now it’s time for the bad news. By posting the lowest score of the week, his second consecutive week doing so and third time through these first six weeks, Opey has fallen into the dumpster juice at the very bottom of the Church of Gronk standings with a 2-4 record and (unsurprisingly) the fewest points scored in the league. The #TiltKing has fallen and can’t seem to get up… Six of nine starters turned in single-digit performances. Of those six, five failed to reach so much as 5 fantasy points. This trend would have you thinking that the Taylor Park Boys would somehow turn in a score lower than their league-worst 58.68 points from week five, but Chris Olave (16.6), Dalton Schultz (16.1), and fresh trade acquisition, Drake London (21.5), saved them from such humiliation. To pour salt into the wound, the Boys also suffered the ass kicking of the week, losing to our reigning champ by 33.86 points. It can’t get much worse, right? LOL. Boy, do I have news for you! Opey’s starting QB, Justin Fields, dislocated the thumb on his throwing hand, and is obviously doubtful for his upcoming game against the Raiders. With Jordan Love on BYE, Opey will have to turn to the waiver wire for a starting QB. Then, David Montgomery suffered a rib cartilage injury. This is something that might be okay for a quarterback to try playing through, but not a running back. Coach Dan Campbell has stated that Montgomery is going to miss some time, so the trade that brought Montgomery to Taylor Park suddenly looks a little more lopsided. There doesn’t seem to be much better options in reserve either, with all three RBs on Opey’s bench carrying the dreaded “Q” next to their names. I hope he still has some FAAB funds left in the cookie jar… On the brighter side of this matchup, Josh found the win column again and evened his record at 3-3. After holding down the #9 spot in the standings for several weeks, he’s also gotten his Back 2 Back squad up a spot, to #8 overall. This came on the backs of King Henry (19.3), Stefon Diggs (20), and Dak Prescott’s (24.88) best game thus far. Week seven brings Josh a worthy opponent in the Church of Gronk Commissioner and his #4 Great Locker Room Guys, the hottest team in the league right now. In a matchup of teams coming off consecutive losses, Opey will try to climb out of the dumpster juice when he takes the stand against #6 Bateman & Dobbins. If there’s one thing Zan has shown us in his Church of Gronk career, it’s that his team will play down to the level of their opponent. The most recent example being his loss to our previous #12, Brandon, just last week. Can the Taylor Park Boys put the quirky stat of consecutive losses to the last-ranked team on Zan’s resume??
Pat JJ’s Broken Chubb – 131.14
Mike Vick in a Box – 127.76
No Jettas, No Problem
A matchup that didn’t originally appear to be one of note just ended up being one of the most exciting and surprising matchups of the week! Coming into the weekend, Devarus had to be feeling extremely confident in his team. They were sitting atop the league standings, they were healthy, they weren’t facing a single BYE. On top of all that, his opponents first round pick had just landed on IR along with one of their starting RBs. On paper, everything pointed to a Mike Vick in a Box victory, without a doubt. Turns out, Skeetin’ Keaton had something to say about that. #LetMeClearMyThroat! Jackson Mahomes’ brother (17.34) got the action started with an average performance on Thursday night, but that still stood strong enough to outduel Josh Allen’s (13.86) Sunday night floater. Raheem Mostert (34.2) and Breece Hall (20.3) carried the boats and the logs for the Broken Chubb. The Mike Vick in a Box lineup turned in a strong card, with just two starters finishing with single digits. The highlight players were Travis Etienne (23.3) and the Cheetah (28.3). The real difference in this one was Devarus getting outscored by Keaton, handily, at the key positions of RB1, WR2, and both FLEX spots. To make matters worse, Josh Allen is now questionable with a shoulder injury that has him listed as day-to-day. Maybe if he was more worried about actually playing football than carelessly jumping into endzone brawls, this fantasy team wouldn’t be in the position they’re currently in. You know Devarus is thinking, “I can’t have anything nice.” He gets a really good shot at returning to the win column in week seven though, as he lines up against Cole’s #9 Mooney Toons, a team that has lost three straight and is trending downward. Keaton now has his team sitting at #2 overall and right in the middle of the race for the Hamz Deli Shop division, but he will face a formidable opponent in the coming weekend - #7 Sons of AnArchie. Can the Broken Chubb roster maintain this “next man up” mentality for another week?
Deshaun Wantsome – 104.70
Mooney Toons – 83.88
Mayor of Watkinsville Tunes Up the Toons
The Co-Commissioner of the Church of Gronk and Mayor of Watkinsville rebounded in week six, taking advantage of one of the sadder franchises in the league at this point. This is the story in fantasy sometimes, though. You barely break 100 total points and just turn out lucky enough to be matched up with another member who has a worse week than you. Not one player in the Deshaun Wantsome lineup reached 20 fantasy points. As a matter of fact, only three eclipsed 15 points – Jalen Hurts (19.9), D’Andre Swift (17.8), and Chuba Hubbard (16). However, just three starters put up single-digit scores, and this helps the cause. On the other side of the card, quite the opposite is true. Just three of nine starters turned in double-digit performances – Kenneth Walker (17.9), Brian Robinson (13), and the Ravens D/ST (11). Of the six Mooney Toons starters that posted single digits, the worst was the Jahan Dotson doughnut in the FLEX. But you can’t blame this loss on roster mismanagement, as Cole’s bench posted one of the lowest such scores of the week with just 13.3 fantasy points left in the tank, not enough to make any difference whatsoever. Another team battling key injuries, the Mooney Toons have dropped three straight matchups and seem to have lost their identity since AR15 (Anthony Richardson) was put on IR. They signed and started Jimmy G this past weekend, but then he was taken to the hospital to be evaluated for a back injury sustained in the middle of his game against the Patriots. This is yet another Church of Gronk fantasy team needing to scour the waiver wire for a starting QB in week seven. Is it just me, or is the quarterback position seemingly more fragile right now than it has been in years? Cole doesn’t get a breather in the upcoming week, as he’ll face Devarus’ #5 Mike Vick in a Box, the highest-scoring team in the league and the only one to have broken 800 total points so far. Dustin will take his #3 ranking into what may very well be the week seven MATCHUP OF THE WEEK, where he’ll face off with Justin’s #1 Tone Deaf Men of Mentone.
Great Locker Room Guys – 103.78
Kmet the Frog – 85.22
Just Win, Baby
Much like his front office partner, the Commissioner turned in a lackluster scorecard, but just enough of one to secure a win. Not a single starter for the Locker Room Guys reached 20 points. Well, one did, for just a short while. Justin Herbert (19.08) was floating around 21 fantasy points before throwing a game-clinching INT to the Cowboys in the final minute of Monday night’s game. But again, if you only have three guys turn in single-digit performances, your chances of winning are usually pretty solid. Though this matchup doesn’t look like one you’d be too interested in by just looking at the score, there was a lot of excitement throughout Sunday and Monday nights. Neither member had a play on Thursday, so the anticipation got a chance to build up over the weekend. Mark Andrews (10.9) got things started early Sunday morning with his “just okay” tight end performance across the pond. The 1:00pm window brought nearly identical stat lines of 6-for-80 and 6-for-81 from Ja’Marr Chase (14) and Terry McLaurin (14.1). This trend of double-digit performances had the Commish feeling good about how the day might play out. That is, until the late afternoon games got underway. Kyren Williams (21.8) and Jared Goff (22.42) both rode strong second halves to great fantasy performances and made this one pretty damn close with Sunday night football still to be played. Gabe Davis was in play for Knowlton, and he was fresh off a 22-point week five, and four straight double-digit fantasy performances. But the scrappy Giants locked him down and left him scoring just 3.1 points in the end. This left the Locker Room Guys leading Kmet the Frog by 9 points with both teams starting superstars in the Monday night game – Justin Herbert for Tyler, Austin Ekeler for Bobo. J-Herb was nursing a broken finger on his left hand, and Ekeler was seeing his first action in roughly a month after suffering an ankle injury in week one. Which Charger would take over and decide this matchup? It didn’t appear that the Chargers wanted to put too much on Ekeler’s plate, not like they normally would, with him getting just 14 rushing attempts and 6 targets. He also didn’t get the goal-line work he was used to. One theory might be that new OC, Kellen Moore, wanted to show the Cowboys what he could do with a more talented quarterback at his disposal. The Chargers were throwing the ball all over the yard, though many long passes were negated by offensive holding calls. As the dust settled on Monday Night Football, Ekeler finished with 10.2 points, half of what Herbert produced. Now the winner of four straight matchups, the Great Locker Room Guys have a strong grip on the Tilt-A-Whirl division, are finally ranked in the top third of the league standings, and are currently holding the longest winning streak in the league to this point. Week seven brings the Commissioner a challenge with the reigning league champion, Josh Yarber, visiting the locker room. Tyler’s superstar and top draft pick, Ja’Marr Chase will be on BYE, but so will five players from the Back 2 Back roster. Which team can overcome? Bobo’s #10 Kmet the Frog will face off with Brandon’s #11 Burrows Before Hoes in a bout to see who can dig themselves out of the midseason Sacko race.
Burrows Before Hoes – 135.34
Bateman & Dobbins – 129.42
STONE. COLD. STUNNER.
It feels right to conclude this recap thread with the feel-good story of the week. Brandon’s bottom-dwelling Burrows Before Hoes stunned Zan’s Bateman & Dobbins, the #3 team in the league at the time. The only player in this matchup to play on Thursday night was Jerry Jeudy (4.4) in the Hoes’ lineup. Turns out, Jerry cares more about being an asshole to a Hall of Fame caliber receiver-turned-analyst than he does performing on the field, so things were looking bleak for Brandon very early. Luckily for the Hoes, Puka Nukem (6.6) looked mortal for the first time and was lined up directly across the card from Jeudy. The recipient of those lost Puka targets? Oh, just some white kid named COOPER KUPP. In Kupp’s second game back from his IR stint, he put up 27.8 fantasy points and kept Brandon in this thing. BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE! One of the only wide receivers in the NFL that’s whiter than Billy Mays, and nearly as old, Adam Thielen (28.5) scored his fourth tuddy of the past five weeks and went for more than 100 yards for the third time in his last four outings. Dude is going nuts in Carolina! Zan’s start of Amon-Ra St. Brown (30.4) was the only one to break the 20-point threshold, and he also ended up with three starters in single digits. Brandon only had two such scores from his starters. All that being said, Zan took a double-digit lead into Monday night. Brandon’s only remaining hope was Tony Pollard, a running back who was coming off back-to-back single-digit stinkers. Despite his second-worst rushing performance of the season, just 30 yards, Tony P took a Prescott pass for 60 yards and narrowly missed scoring when he was hawked down by a DB around the 10-yard-line. This inflated his stat line and helped him score 17 fantasy points to snag the come-from-behind win and stun the league’s legal team! This win was HUGE for Brandon, as it helped his team climb out of their nest at the bottom of the league standings, where they’d been for weeks. Though they’re just up one spot, to #11 overall, this was not only the biggest surprise of week six, but was also the highest score of the week. That’s a huge morale boost for a team that’s trying to escape midseason Sacko discussions. The Hoes are trying to escape the street corner and become penthouse escorts as we speak, and they’ll have another good chance to further their attempts when they face off with Bobo’s #10 Kmet the Frog this coming weekend. Likely feeling as upset as Neon Deion’s CU Buffs after their second half meltdown to Stanford, all is not lost for #6 Bateman & Dobbins. Their record is now 3-3 but they’ve been scoring enough to keep themselves in the wild card race as we creep upon the halfway point of the regular season. They have a good chance to go back over .500 as they put the reeling #12 Taylor Park Boys on trial in week seven.
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