Great Locker Room Guys – 141.42
Deshaun Wantsome – 140.02
HQ Bowl Goes Down to the Wire
Week five gave us the best MATCHUP OF THE WEEK we’ve had to date, as the Commissioner and Co-Commissioner battled in the annual Headquarters Bowl. This one kicked off early in the week, with both participants starting two players each during the Thursday night game between the Commanders and Bears. Tyler hit his first round of BYE weeks with starting QB, J-Herb, and the most expensive RB in the Church of Gronk, Jerome Ford, unavailable. To say that his confidence was shaken is an understatement. In an effort to maximize potential streamer output, the Commish picked up Commanders QB, Sam Howell, to stack with Scary Terry McLaurin. This move paid huge dividends as Howell finished the night with nearly 400 yards passing and scored a strong 25.42 fantasy points. Though McLaurin didn’t have the game the Locker Room Guys had hoped for, the duo from Washington combined for 34.32 points and gave them a significant lead over the other Washington pair on the opposing side of the scorecard – Brian Robinson and Commanders D/ST (7.3 points combined). As the weekend progressed, Jahmyr Gibbs found himself on the Lions injury report as questionable, eventually ending up unavailable on Sunday morning. While that was a huge blow to an already subpar RB corp in the Locker Room, Christian Kirk (14.4) put together another strong outing across in the pond to give the Great Guys a spark during breakfast hours. The early afternoon slate is where the tides began to shift, when the Deshaun Wantsome lineup started going crazy. DeAndre Hopkins (22), George Pickens (26.6), and Sam LaPorta (19.7) all finished with fantastic performances and had the Co-Commish leading his counterpart by double digits. But if there’s one thing the members of this league know about fantasy – it ain’t over ‘til it’s over and the witching hour is a real thing! In the late afternoon window, Joe Mixon, D’Andre Swift, and Jalen Hurts all scored double digits, with Hurts (27.32) being the only one to break the 20-point threshold. Just when our beloved leader had lost all hope, here comes Ja’Marr Chase (52.2) with a game for the ages! Chase took advantage of the Cardinals and the absence of running mate, Tee Higgins, by posting a 15-192-3 receiving line on 19 targets. Joe Burrow FORCE-FED this man and it paired with a late handful of fantasy points from Jaylen Warren (10.9) to give the Great Locker Room Guys a victory by a margin of just 1.4 points. WHAT. A. FINISH! After starting 0-2, the Commissioner’s squad has now reeled off three straight wins and is in control of the Tilt-A-Whirl division. The Locker Room Guys will look to continue their winning ways and extend their streak in week six, when they face off with a Kmet the Frog squad that is coming off of a much needed win this past weekend. Our Co-Commissioner has nothing to hang his head about after this loss. He still holds one of the best records in the league and has a very strong roster. Dustin is favored in the early projections of his upcoming bout with Cole’s Mooney Toons, a team that is falling fast after a hot start to the season.
Sons of AnArchie – 123.16
Taylor Park Boys – 58.68
#TiltKing Reaches a Whole New Low
In the second matchup between members of the Tilt-A-Whirl and Watkinsville divisions, Trevor and his Sons of AnArchie beat the weakened Taylor Park Boys to a pulp, winning by a margin of 64.48 points. The real story in the matchup isn’t how strongly the Sons lineup performed, it’s how bad the Boys did. Like, historically bad. To break it down for you, there are nine starting positions in Church of Gronk fantasy lineups. For Opey, only two of his starters reached double digits – AJ Brown (18.7) and Christian Watson (11.6). Of the remaining seven starters, FIVE of them scored 5 fantasy points or fewer, including a doughnut from Jalin Hyatt in the FLEX and -1 from the Cowboys D/ST. This isn’t just the lowest score of the 2023 season so far; this is one of the lower scores in recent memory. Mike Evans has been a stud wide receiver in the first few weeks of this season and was on BYE, so that definitely hurts. But the most painful part of looking at this scorecard is that it appears Opey forgot that starters go on the top of the card, and benched players go on the bottom. If you look at the Taylor Park Boys bench score, it’s the highest of the week with 88.08 points. Twice as many benched players scored double digits as starters did – Samaje Perine (11.5), Kendre Miller (13), Dalton Schultz (19.5), and Justin Fields (32.98). If you do the calculations of just putting those four players in starting spots, the outcome would be totally different for the father of the Tilt-A-Whirl division; he’d have won by a slim margin of less than 2 points, but a win is a win. Weeks like this one are why we call him #TiltKing… Absolutely brutal. Despite this loss, Opey is still right in the middle of the fight for his division and this season is already proving to be one of the most competitive in recent years, league-wide, so anything can happen over the next ten or so weeks. The Taylor Park Boys hope to avoid back-to-back losses when they line up across from the reigning champ’s Back 2 Back lineup in week six. For Trevor, he was able to bounce back from a tough loss at the hands of the Commissioner last week. But don’t let the margin of this victory fool you; this wasn’t as dominant a showing as you might think. Only three starters went for more than 15 points, with Travis Kelce (22.7) being the only one to break 20. Yes, every win is huge, and they all count the same no matter how large or small the margin. But the Sons of AnArchie will need more firepower when they face off with current #2, Tone Deaf Men of Mentone, next weekend.
Mike Vick in a Box – 195.56
Burrows Before Hoes – 128.88
Mike Vick Opens a Box… of Whoop-Ass
It’s not like you needed another reminder of just how strong the Watkinsville division is (or how weak the Tilt-A-Whirl division is), but Devarus wanted to give you one more example just for good measure. The entire Watkinsville division currently holds 3-2 records, and all three members would be in the playoffs if they started today. The cherry on top? Oh, just Devarus securing the ass kicking of the week while also scoring the most points in a single week so far this season. It is insane, also sad, that Brandon’s team achieved their highest score of the first five weeks, just to end up losing by the largest margin across the league through those weeks – 66.68 points. 128.88 points is typically enough to win a lot of matchups in the Church of Gronk, but not this one. The performances of Adam Thielen (27.7) and the Saints D/ST (24) occurred in vain. There are no words… Sorry, maybe? The trend of defenses going off against Devarus continued for, at least, the third straight week. But this time, it didn’t matter. These four players put together fantasy games to remember in week five – Josh Allen (27.76), Travis Etienne (36.4), Tyreek “Cheetah” Hill (32.1), and the highlight of the matchup, DJ Moore (49). Moore has been average-at-best through the first few weeks of the season but found a special connection with his quarterback last Thursday night, putting together an 8-230-3 receiving line on 10 targets. Performances like these had Devarus knocking on the door of that rare 200-point week that doesn’t answer very often, but the FLEX doughnut from Darnell Mooney prevented such an achievement. This win launched Devarus up the standings, right to #1 overall. But that will get put to the test right away, as Keaton’s Pat JJ’s Broken Chubb is next on the schedule. If there’s one thing Devarus can look forward to in this upcoming matchup, it’s that Keaton’s star receiver, Justin Jefferson, just got put on IR for a hamstring injury, so that’s one less hurdle to clear. Brandon remains the bottom dweller in the standings, clinging to that #12 spot as if his life depends on it. It’s obviously still early and there is a lot of fantasy football to be played. But if I’m Brandon right now, I’m probably taste-testing different syrups to see which one goes best on waffles. Fantasy life won’t get much easier in week six, as Brandon will get put on the stand to face Bateman & Dobbins.
Tone Deaf Men of Mentone – 107.94
Back 2 Back – 106.82
Yarber Bowl Becomes Tightest Matchup of Young Season
One can only hope these brothers did their fair share of trash talking in private, because they sure let the rest of the league down by not filling the group chat with it. That being said, they both deserved such mediocre fantasy output this week. The Yarber Bowl did not disappoint in its final result though, as this matchup ended with the tightest margin of week five. After trailing by more than 20, Justin’s pair of Monday night starters came back to secure a win by just 1.12 points! As Sunday’s action played out, De’Von Achane (21.5) and David Montgomery (20.9) made up for Justin’s TE doughnut from Hunter Henry. It’s nice to see Justin learn his lesson by starting the Lions RB1 in his fantasy lineup, by the way. Across the scorecard, Josh got a huge performance from Stefon Diggs (24.1). On Sunday night, Dak Prescott showed us that the only thing he might be worse at than playing real football is producing for fantasy football. His 4.32 fantasy points turned out to be one of, if not THE, worst quarterback performance of the week. Not a great look for the Back 2 Back lineup. Average Sunday aside, Josh still carried a decent lead into Monday night and had to be feeling like winning was a real possibility with Justin’s remaining players being Josh Jacobs and Romeo Doubs. Neither of these players has been lighting the fantasy world on fire. Though Jacobs (19.9) ended up actually producing a strong fantasy score, the real difference came from Doubs (1.4). This might be the first time since we’ve been doing weekly recaps that a wide receiver with just 1 reception for 4 yards has made the cut as a highlight player for a matchup. What a time to be alive. You’ve already read it above in this thread, a win is a win and each one you can secure in the Church of Gronk is huge. This one is a little more special for baby brother, as he defeats big brother to grow his record to 3-2 and now sits at #2 overall in league standings. Justin also holds the top spot in the Hamz Deli Shop division. He’ll have to visit Watkinsville this weekend, where he’ll duel Trevor’s #4 Sons of AnArchie, a pairing that has MATCHUP OF THE WEEK written all over it. Josh will get a good chance to jump back over into the win column as he faces the reeling Taylor Park Boys who are in the middle of a full-blown tilt spiral into oblivion.
Kmet the Frog – 112.14
Mooney Toons – 60.52
Bobo Climbs Out of Sacko Race, For Now
Remember that recap earlier in this thread when it seemed like Opey mixed up where starters go in the lineup and where benched players go? This is same same, but different. Same because Cole had just three of nine starters score double digits. Same because Cole had five of nine starters score 6 or fewer fantasy points. Different because Cole didn’t really have anything in reserve to make his outcome much different. Kenneth Walker being on BYE left Big Hamz starting Cordarrelle Patterson (1.7) in an RB spot, which is not something any fantasy manager should be doing in 2023. Anthony Richardson (4.42) has such a high ceiling for fantasy but can’t seem to stay healthy and on the field. Marvin Mims (-0.6) even managed to score fewer points than if he was inactive, with just 4 yards receiving and a lost fumble. The closest thing to a highlight player Cole had in his starting lineup was TE Darren Waller (16.6). This matchup was decided by a wide-open 51.62 points and gives Cole his second straight loss. Fantasy football is so wild with how a team can be a world-beater one week, and bottom of the barrel the next. This Mooney Toons roster will need to find some health and consistency going forward, as their next step toward the fantasy postseason doesn't get any easier. They’ll have to make a trip to the Church of Gronk’s equivalent of Chicago – Watkinsville, where visitors are met with violence and ill intent. As for Bobo, this win does big things for his Kmet the Frog lineup by elevating them out of the basement in the league standings. Not by doing anything special, but by doing enough, they find their second win of the season. 112.14 isn’t a strong score but was highlighted by players like Jared Goff (27.44) and Gabe Davis (22). Now, Bobo can stand a little more comfortably on the outside looking in, regarding the Sacko Bowl. Though, we still have a long way to go!
Pat JJ’s Broken Chubb – 116.84
Bateman & Dobbins – 101.94
Pat JJ's Broken Chubb is... Broken?
Benching a player that scores more than 30 fantasy points should almost always result in that fantasy manager losing his or her matchup, and that’s exactly what happened for Zan and his Bateman & Dobbins squad in week five. Why don’t you put that in your briefcase, you ninnymuggins! Finally, a week that we didn’t have to watch Christian McCaffrey (13.8) carry this lineup to victory… Puka Nukem (20.1) continued to do his thang in this matchup but was the only player on the legal pad to sniff the 20-point threshold. Meanwhile, Zack Moss (33.5) took 23 carries for 165 yards and 2 tuddies against one of the better rush defenses in the league. An unfortunate management blunder that has us asking, is Moss on the trade block, Zan? Meanwhile, Keaton got some really solid performances from just a few of his players, highlighted by Calvin Ridley’s (20.6) best performance since week one and Breece Hall’s (28.4) best game of the year. The injury bug got a hold of the Broken Chubb lineup though, with James Conner and Justin Jefferson both ending up on the IR after their limited action on Sunday afternoon. These two injuries could loom large in the coming weeks, as both players will have to miss at least four games apiece before even becoming potentially available, and that’s if they’re back to health. Not that there’s really ever an opportune time for injuries to stack up, but this timing couldn’t be much worse since Keaton has to see Devarus’ #1 Mike Vick in a Box in their next matchup. The league’s legal firm will get a good chance at a win in week six, calling to the stand the #12 Burrows Before Hoes from the dumpster juice at the bottom of the league standings.
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