KING HENRY STIFFY – 147.96
BAD NEWZ KENNELS – 87.74
Despite Thursday night’s game in Denver ending up an absolute atrocity, a trio of Bronco starters helped King Henry Stiffy get off to a lovely start over the floundering Bad Newz Kennels. Melvin Gordon (13.3), Popcorn Sutton (12.4), & the Broncos D/ST (14) put together just enough success to have the Commissioner feeling good heading into the weekend. Across the card, the Kennels let loose Colts’ TE Mo Alie-Cox and his massive frame, though the move was only able to generate 1.7 fantasy points. The tone had been set. A trio of Jaguars barely showed up on Sunday, combining for just 26.84 points. Meanwhile, Josh Allen continued his QB1 run with 35.16 points in a rout of the Steelers. Stefon Diggs (24.2) was a beneficiary of Allen’s huge day. Raheem Mostert (19.2) proved to be a fantastic trade acquisition in his first start for the Stiffies, and Mark Andrews (22.9) feasted on the Bengals in Sunday night’s close NFC North win. Only four Bad Newz starters reached double-digits, with Breece Hall (27.7) being the only one achieve a noteworthy status. This led to Justin posting the lowest score of the week for his second time this season and being the recipient of the ass-kicking of the week (60.22 points) for a second straight time. Things continue to look bleak in the Kennels. Unfortunately, the dogcatcher might be catching more than strays in his upcoming week 6 matchup with the dangerous Magic City Skeet Shooters. Climbing one spot in the overall ranking to #4 and taking back the solo lead in the TEs & Tequila division, King Henry Stiffy boasts the most points scored through five weeks and will face off with a battered Jr Varsity team which just took a tough loss from the hands of baby brother in the Parents’ Favorite Bowl.
MIXON A STRONG DRINK – 116.32
RIC FLAIR’S HAIR – 115.94
What. A. Finish. This matchup was the tightest of the season up to this point, finishing with a margin of 0.38 points! I guess Brandon mixed up just strong enough of a drink to take down our eldest member… Joe Mixon (11.8) did just enough on Thursday night to avoid being labeled as a bust for the week. As Sunday’s action rolled on, this particular card had some eerily similar performances head-to-head at several positions. Rashad Penny (5.4) got hurt and mimicked AJ Dillon (3.4) in the RB2 slot. Mike Evans (12.1) was right there with Chris Godwin (12.3) in the WR1 slot. Even Mike Williams (23.4) perfectly mirrored CMC (23.4) in the FLEX. The outlier and main reason for Brandon’s success was an explosive performance from one Tyler Lockett (27.4). But the door remained open for Josh’s start of Derek Carr in Kansas City on Monday night to neutralize the potency of Brandon’s strong drink. In one of the best primetime games of 2022, Carr (17.94) came up just short, dropping the reigning champ to 2-3 on the season and #10 in the standings. This might be the first time we’ve seen both Yarber brothers simultaneously wallowing at the bottom of the barrel… Ric Flair’s Hair has also plummeted to the bottom of their division standings with a tough matchup against the #2 Bad JuJu looming. A win in that one can totally flip the narrative of Josh’s season and shake things up in the Church of Gronk. As for Brandon, his team has reeled off two straight wins after opening the season 0-3. This is good enough for a three-way tie in his division, where he leads the total points scored column by more than 30. We’ll see if his drink recipe remains strong enough to make it three consecutive wins in a week 6 showdown against a pissed off Real Slim Brady team. Hint: The recipe MUST contain avocado for Brady to consume it.
MAGIC CITY SKEET SHOOTERS – 142.00
THE JR VARSITY – 114.28
Legend has it that these parents spend the inaugural Parents’ Favorite Bowl weekend with Dalton down in The ‘Sip. It appears this severely upset our vertically challenged member. So much that he flopped out his putter on the table and made sure we all took notice, posting the third-highest score of the week. Again, somehow, doing so with a fat zero in the TE slot with Dalton Schultz. At what point will Keaton realize Schultz isn’t playing football?! Maybe this is his good luck charm, like a rabbit’s foot or rotten jockstrap. Whatever he’s doing, it’s working. Huge days from his big three were complemented by above-average performances from some auxiliary starters. “Full” Chubb (25.4) continued his dominant ways while Justin Jefferson (30.32) got back on his high horse. Patty Mac Mahomes (30.48) continued to find Travis Kelce in the paint, over, and over, and over, and over again. The Skeet Shooters could’ve opened this one up a lot more if they’d listened to their drunk owner on Saturday night and placed Taysom Hill (34.08) in their TE position. But no, that ridiculous fantasy performance was wasted on the bench. Dalvin Cook (26.1) & Amari Cooper (20.6) led the way to an average overall showing for The Jr Varsity. Baby brother took the first annual Parents’ Favorite Bowl by nearly 30 points and clawed their way back into the top-5 in our overall standings. However, they still trail Zan’s Commando Dolphins within their division. Week 6 gives them a chance at another potential blowout victory when they line up against Justin’s winless Bad Newz Kennels. As for The Jr Varsity, they fall to #9 overall and shouldn’t have much time to recuperate as they face the tall task of competing with the Commissioner’s #4 King Henry Stiffy, who are coming off the second-highest score of week 5.
COMMANDO DOLPHINS – 129.60
BOBO’S B**** - 96.34
Austin Ekeler (35.9) posted another insane line and paired with Dameon Peirce (20.3) as the combo of running backs carried the Commando Dolphins to another big win. These two have definitely played the largest roles in the Dolphins’ success so far, as the rest of the roster continues to perform in an average-at-best fashion. Jeff Wilson (20.2) has taken advantage of his recent starting role in the FLEX though. Bobo’s B****es are falling at an alarming rate after opening the season with a huge win. This is a team that has failed to reach 100 points in three of the first five weeks. Despite the subpar start, the 2-3 B****es are still in the middle of a three-way tie in the Busch Leeg division. Their only player of note in week 5 was Davante Adams (27.4) with his big Monday night performance in Kansas City. He seems to be the only player consistently putting up numbers for the B****es, but he may be facing a suspension after pushing a media member while exiting the field after a tough loss. This would be the last thing Bobo needs when facing the Kittles ‘N Bits in week 6. Zan’s #3 Commando Dolphins will finally get a chance to prove just how good they are in the upcoming MATCHUP OF THE WEEK with #1 Mike Vick in a Box. This one has fireworks written all over it!
BAD JUJU – 114.76
THE REAL SLIM BRADY – 110.88
Some way, somehow, the JuJu’s voodoo magic continues to work in mysterious ways. Another week with a QB scoring in the lower single-digit range yet snagging a win in spite of such a poor performance. Sense cannot be made of it. Should we worry for the souls of one or both of Slick’s sons? The only explanation is that a virgin or a goat was sacrificed for this kind of stuff to keep happening, and he doesn’t have any pets, soooo… If you were to look at these scorecards, you’d see fairly average performances up & down the lineups. Each member had one stud show up on Sunday. For Cole, it was King Henry (27.2). For Dustin, it was Alvin “AK41” Kamara (23.4). This one came all the way down to the final possessions of Monday Night Football in the Midwest. Travis Kelce (33.5) gave it his very best shot with four, FOUR, touchdown catches, though none of them were from more than eight yards out. But it was a revitalized Josh Jacobs (30.3) with his 21-154-1 line on the ground and 5-39 line through the air who got the last laugh. Bad JuJu maintains their #2 overall ranking and extends their record to 4-1. They have a tasty matchup on the horizon with a Ric Flair’s Hair team that has yet to find solid footing in 2022. As for the #6 Real Slim Brady, they’ll have a chance to get back on track with Brandon’s Mixon a Strong Drink across the battlefield in week 6. This is a strong drink that has claimed two straight victims though and is currently as hot as anyone in the league!
KITTLES ‘N BITS – 158.96
MIKE VICK IN A BOX – 102.36
Week 5 gave us our fifth different member posting the highest score of the week, this time being Opey’s Kittles ‘N Bits! Such parody is great for the league, and there couldn’t be a member more needing of a lift like this than our perennial bad luck baron. The Bits get off the schneid with this huge upset over #1 Mike Vick in a Box, thanks in large part to Gabe Davis’s (32.1) super volatile line of 3-171-2. The Cowboy D/ST (23) sure helped too. Oddly enough, the only other player to surpass 20 points was Jalen Hurts (27.66). It feels unusual to see a score so high when just three starters break that particular threshold. Lamar Jackson (14.76) failed to reach 15 points for the second straight week, leaving Devarus to wonder what the future might hold for the QB position on his roster… Saquon Barkley (19.6) & 2 Girls 1 Kupp (25.9) continued to do what they do, while the rest of the Vick roster should’ve stayed in the box. Opey’s Bits have a real chance to get back to .500 on the season when they face the Bobo’s reeling B****es in week 6. Devarus will put his #1 ranking on the line in the MATCHUP OF THE WEEK when he has to see Zan’s #3 Commando Dolphins. Will Devarus be able to avoid the dreaded bottlenose b****-slap?
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