MIKE VICK IN A BOX – 127.56
KING HENRY STIFFY – 105.22
The MATCHUP OF THE WEEK lived up to the hype, being up in the air until the fourth quarter of Monday Night Football. Action opened on Thursday night, when the Church of Gronk Commissioner watched as Chase Edmonds (10) dropped one of the easier endzone passes he’ll see in his career to start the game. Edmonds would salvage his night later on with a short scoring reception, but it’s still not a good look for a guy who’s losing more and more touches each week to Raheem Mostert (10.1). [After a small trade, Mostert now rides with the Stiffy gang.] With Hurricane Ian making his way to town, conditions were less than ideal in Baltimore, where both teams had big pieces in play. A sloppy start turned into a brilliant finish for Josh Allen (23.52), while Lamar Jackson (13.06) experienced quite the opposite. Both Stefon Diggs (10.2) & Mark Andrews (3.5) suffered their lowest outputs of the season so far, dampening the spirits of Stiffy management. But other starters really showed up and showed out, including Jamaal Williams (23.9) taking advantage of D’Andre Swift’s absence. The Stiffies wrapped up action in the late window on Sunday with a lead of more than 40 points, but couldn’t rest easy knowing that Devarus had more than a Vick in his box… The #1 team in the league still had the always lethal Cooper Kupp (26.2) & Tyler Higbee (17.3) paired up to face off against his 49ers D/ST (21) on Monday night. And just like Hurricane Ian raging up the east coast, the perfect storm came together in Santa Clara. The 49er defense was smothering Matthew Stafford, racking up sack after sack, and holding the Rams to just three field goals to minimize losing points on the fantasy scoreboard. Meanwhile, Stafford must’ve forgotten that he had more skill players than just Kupp & Higbee at his disposal, as he hyper-targeted both men from start to finish. Members of the Stiffy front office were smashing laptops, clipboards, and three-ring binders like Ken Dorsey as they watched Tyler Higbee do the things they had drafted him to do in fantasy in 2021, a season where he generated enough output to deserve being cut midseason. Entering the final quarter of week 4, King Henry Stiffy [somehow] clung to a lead of less than two points. Back-to-back Higbee receptions blew the bulb on that small ray of hope, followed by a late pick-six from the 49er defense to really pour salt into the wound. The Stiffies finish with their lowest score of the season thus far and are now on a two-game skid. The good news for them is that they currently hold Nyheim Hines & Melvin Gordon on their roster, two backs that should see heavily increased touches with their real-life counterparts missing time with injuries. The even better news for the Stiffies is that they have a delicious matchup with the only winless team remaining in the league, the 0-4 Bad Newz Kennels, in week 5. Top-ranked Mike Vick in a Box will lay their unblemished record on the line in a duel with the reeling #10 Kittles ‘N Bits. There’s one thing that Opey is starving for, and it ain’t name-brand dog food, it’s victory.
RIC FLAIR’S HAIR – 117.26
BOBO’S B****ES – 77.20
In dire need of a win, Ric Flair’s Hair was “on fleek” in week 4 with two players eclipsing 25 fantasy points. The Cheetah, Tyreek Hill (25.9), got things started early in the week with a huge 10-160 line in Cincy on Thursday night. Pulling up right behind him was CMC (25.8) breaking the 20-point threshold for the first time in 2022. Unfortunately for the B****es, Thursday became a quiet night for Ja’Marr Chase (12.1). Davante Adams (19.5) tried his absolute best to create some fight in the lineup. And Tom Brady (25.4) finally put up the numbers Bobo drafted him to produce. Sadly, the rest of the B****es lineup stayed home for the weekend, with five positions scoring just 5 points or less. A performance like this has earned Bobo the lowest score of the week. If you believe in moral victories, Bobo can hang his hat on the highest bench total of the week (64.84). The B****es have a lot of things to fix as they go back into their war room and hash out their lineup for their upcoming bout with the red-hot Commando Dolphins. However, early projections favor the B****es by a tight margin. Josh will take his new can of White Rain and Ric Flair wig into a week 5 matchup with Mixon a Strong Drink, where the Hair is favored by nearly 10 points. Are we watching the inevitable return to relevance take place with our elder’s organization?
COMMANDO DOLPHINS – 114.98
THE JR VARSITY – 86.14
It might’ve taken four weeks, but “Awesome Excellence” Austin Ekeler (34.9) finally showed up! Riding beside him were rookie RB sensation, Dameon Pierce (25.9), and film guru, Kyler Murray (22.88), in their rout of our 2021 runner-up. Ekeler’s three touchdowns vaulted him up into the top-3 RBs overall at this point in the season, also sending Zan’s Commando Dolphins flying up the Church of Gronk standings to #3 overall. Luckily for Zan, these three heroes absolutely dominated Sunday afternoon while four other starters in his lineup scored 5 points or fewer. As for the Jr Varsity, there were no real bright spots on the card with the highest-scoring player of their weekend being one Aaron “Ayahuasca MVP” Rodgers with an average-at-best 16.14 fantasy points. It’s becoming more apparent that A-Rod has become better at dressing up as movie characters than he is at professional football. “Put the bunny back in the box.” – Cameron Poe, Con Air, 1997. Even with the loss, the Jr Varsity remains the leader in the Busch Leeg division. Dalton’s #7 JV will get a chance to redeem themselves in a week 5 matchup with younger brother, Keaton, and his #6 Skeet Shooters in the Parents’ Favorite Bowl. While those pesky Magic City midgets are on a two-week losing streak, they’ve just put up the third-highest score of week 4 in their loss. This one could get interesting… As for the Commando Dolphins, they’ll aim to extend their hot streak in matchup against the other rookie team, Bobo’s B****es.
MIXON A STRONG DRINK – 166.00
MAGIC CITY SKEET SHOOTERS – 145.46
What a shootout! This was also the tightest margin of the week, 20.54 points. It appears that Opey finally handed off a bag of his bad luck to someone else in the league. Keaton’s third-highest score of the week went to waste as he was matched up against Brandon with the highest. Brandon mixed up more than a strong drink by adding a strong lineup to his bag of tricks. Joe Mixon (17.4) got things started with a solid Thursday night and was followed by a full-blown posse of badasses who rolled up into this matchup like the news crews brawl scene in Anchorman. Justin “J-Herb” Herbert (21.1), Rashad Penny (28.7), & Mike Evans (30.3) led the way while three more players scored more than 15 apiece. JK Dobbins (22.3) was the odd man out, throwing a trident through the heart of his opponents, then laying low on Brandon’s bench. Keaton came up just short despite the following performances on his side of the card – Patty Mac Mahomes (23.36), Nicholas Chubb (20.7), the Fresh Prince of Helaire (22.4), & Jettas Jefferson (31) in London. Losses like this are painful but can also serve as a moral victory and give one hope going forward. At least now Keaton knows his players are capable of going nuclear all at the same time. Well, minus the tight end. The Magic City Skeet Shooters were the unfortunate recipients of some skeet shooting in week 4 but have a chance to wipe their eyes and look forward to their week 5 participation in the Parents’ Favorite Bowl against elder brother, Dalton. The NFL Fantasy app currently lists the Shooters as a double-digit dog in their early projections. Now that Brandon seems to have found the recipe for a concoction that could knock out any team in this league, we’ll see if our reigning champion is susceptible to accepting the strong drink. If there’s one thing we know about Ric Flair, and his hair, it’s that they’ve both done enough drugs over the past several decades on the road and should boast a strong tolerance to foreign substances.
BAD JUJU – 164.00
KITTLES ‘N BITS – 110.46
For the second consecutive week, Bad JuJu starts Carson Wentz (7.3) with a single-digit score from the QB spot and secures a win. This is voodoo black magic if we’ve ever seen it. As a matter of fact, let’s remove the defense from the lineup. Four of eight starting players failed to reach double-digit output for Slick’s squad. The kicker is that his other four starters likely reached what will end up being their peak performances of the season, all in the same week! Josh Jacobs (34.5), DK Metcalf (21.9), TJ Hockenson (39.9), & Miles Sanders (29.6) all went HAM. Luckily for Opey, he didn’t really waste any explosive performances from anyone in his lineup, with Hollywood Brown (20.8) being the only player worth noting in week 4. In an unfortunate turn of events, the Kittles will try to keep from falling into Bits after their upcoming bout with the only undefeated team remaining, Devarus’ #1 Mike Vick in a Box. Fantasy football is a crazy sport where the phrase “any given Sunday” reigns true, so there’s always a chance… Slick will spend another hour this Thursday afternoon with his voodoo doll before the Broncos kickoff the weekend against the Colts. He’s moved on from Wentz and is finally giving Russell Wilson another chance to lead his team into battle, this time against a Real Slim Brady team that’s won two straight and catapulted themselves into the top-four in league standings. It’s time for the Co-Commish to face the music and answer for the repeated offenses he’s committed on the trade block.
THE REAL SLIM BRADY – 144.48
BAD NEWZ KENNELS – 85.60
It’s 3:00am on a Monday morning. You’ve fallen asleep on your couch after the Sunday night game on NBC. You’re awakened by the sound of Sarah McLachlan’s “In the Arms of an Angel” blaring from your TV. As you wipe the drool from your lip and sleep from your eyes, you see the face of Justin Yarber walking down an aisle of rundown, impoverished kennels. You’re then bombarded with graphic images of Tua Tagovailoa cross-eyed and wearing a large helmet designed specifically to protect his head from further damage. You see Javonte Williams in a leg-length brace. You see Brian Robinson in a bullet-proof vest & knee brace with crutches in tow. Jonathan Taylor is limping into the final kennel at the end of the row. A montage of these players getting injured in slow-motion starts playing after you’ve seen their sad, weeping faces from behind chainlink. Justin’s guido voice graces the speakers, narrating from a script with phone numbers, websites, and a mailing address you can send heartfelt donations to. In attempt to end the infomercial on high note, the image of Dustin rescuing Alvin Kamara from this terrible place and these horrible conditions is plastered across the screen. Suddenly, you REALLY wake up, only to realize this was all just a dream because such nonsense would never happen in real life. However, you also realize that this was the perfect illustration of how Justin’s 2022 Church of Gronk campaign has started. He was brave [or dumb] enough to start Tua on Thursday night, just 4 days removed from an obvious concussion. We all know the Dolphins lied, and not very well. After that vicious impact with the ground, Tua was carted straight to the hospital with just 2.4 fantasy points on the card. Obviously, this is a severe issue and we aren’t trying to make light of significant head trauma, but we’re still taking it more serious than the professional football organization that signs his paychecks, soooo… Anyway, the Bad Newz Kennel lineup followed the terrible Tua injury right up with a season-ending knee injury for the newly acquired Javonte Williams. Add these two serious injuries to a roster that was already holding Alvin Kamara out with busted ribs and Brian Robinson still recovering from a gunshot wound, and you’ve now seen the fantasy football equivalent of a Civil War triage photo. If the powers that be within the NFL find out the voodoo luck occurring with this fantasy roster, there’s a real chance the NFL will ban the Bad Newz Kennels from participating any further this season. This is unprecedented, at least in this league. The Kennels are where seasons go to die! The only positive note from this matchup for our former Commissioner was Deebo Samuel (23.7) doing the absolute most after the catch. Not to let Justin’s luck hijack this entire recap, The Real Slim Brady got plump on points after surpassing 140 for the second straight week and administering the ass kicking of the week! Five players in this starting lineup went off: Joey Burrr (20.08), King Henry (23.7), Compact Disk Lamb (21.7), Travis Kelce (24.2), & Tee Higgins (25.4). That stack of Bengals finally worked out! These past two weeks of fantasy explosiveness has vaulted Cole’s Real Slim Brady up to #4 overall and have him tied for the lead in the TEs & Tequila division. Cole’s guys are heavy favorites in the early projections over Co-Commissioner, Slick Watkins, and his #2 Bad JuJu. The dog catcher himself will put together a rag-tag group of mangy waiver canines and try to hit the Commissioner’s mansion with a blitz attack in hopes of completing the upset of the century! As of the morning of Wednesday, October 5th, the Bad Newz Kennels have four roster spots open or filled by inactive players. Obviously skewed, projections favor the Stiffy squad by more than 70. This could get interesting as Justin has literally nothing to lose as the only remaining winless team.
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