Great Locker Room Guys – 124.20
Burrows Before Hoes – 109.24
Chase Chases Greatness
You can’t really ask for more from the entertainment aspect of fantasy football. Week three’s MATCHUP OF THE WEEK came down to the final half of Monday Night Football. Sitting in a double-digit hole to start the Monday night doubleheader, our commissioner still had the Eagles D/ST and Ja’Marr Chase left to play, versus Brandon’s FLEX play of Tyler Boyd (8.9). The Eagles (12) took care of business in the early game by allowing just 11 points to the Bucs, and racked up two sacks, an INT, a fumble, and a safety as the cherry on top. Their performance negated the deficit that the Great Locker Room Guys entered the evening in and left the rest up to Ja’Marr and his Bengal teammate to decide the fate of this contest. Boyd (8.9) was getting fed early, and the injured Joe Burrow couldn’t seem to connect with Chase. But in the second quarter, Ja’Marr started moving around the field like a chess piece – lining up outside, inside, even in the backfield on several occasions. With Burrow’s strained calf seemingly inhibiting his ability to regularly throw the ball downfield, he hyper-targeted his superstar (15 times to be exact) on underneath routes. Those targets turned into 12 receptions, 141 yards, and 26.1 fantasy points. This primetime explosion allowed the Locker Room Guys to secure their first victory of the season and climb all the way from the #12 ranking to the… #11 ranking… Not to be left out, J-Herb (29.3) tossed the pigskin for more than 400 yards and 3 tuddies in route to becoming the overall QB1 through the first three weeks. Week four brings Tyler his toughest test yet, with the #4 Sons of AnArchie coming into the locker room with their 2-1 record and a roster with explosive potential. We also can’t ignore the player who allowed the Hoes to even make this a Monday night must-watch affair – Adam “Old Man” Theilen and his 31.5 fantasy points in the Sunday afternoon window. Brandon will need another performance like that in week four if he wants a shot at winning the Weems Engineering Bowl against his dear friend and co-worker, Slick Willy Watkins.
Deshaun Wantsome – 111.18
Taylor Park Boys – 99.86
Stinker of the Week
Has the magic already faded for Opey Jones? It appears so. After posting his personal best season in 2022, Opey opened the 2023 campaign with a huge win over his fiercest rival and division mate, Tyler. It appears he peaked in week one because it’s been nothing but downhill since then. For the second straight outing, his Taylor Park Boys posted the lowest score of the week, this being their first sub-100 performance. As most real-life football teams’ success hinges on the success of their leader, the quarterback, so does this fantasy team. Justin Fields (10.66) entered this season as some experts’ dark horse to compete for MVP, to possibly lead his team to a division title and the playoffs now that Bears Owner, Aaron Rodgers, had left town. What we’ve witnessed has been quite the contrary. Just when you think Zach Wilson is the worst quarterback in the league, Justin Fields says “Hold my beer.” This contest ended up being the lowest scoring contest in the league this week, with both participants starting just one player each with performances breaking that coveted 20-point threshold. For the Taylor Park Boys, it was AJ Brown (22.1). For the Co-Commish, it was rookie tight end sensation, Sam LaPorta (22.4). Despite posting one of the lower scores of the week, Deshaun Wantsome got some (luck) and took the W. It doesn’t matter how you get there, though. It only matters that you get there. A win is a win is a win. Ugly or not, Dustin sits at 2-1 with a big week four matchup in the only regular season installment of the Weems Engineering Bowl. Though he’s projected to win, this is fantasy football. Anything is possible on any given Sunday… Opey draws the short stick because he has to face a loaded Mike Vick in a Box roster that’s looking to get back to their winning ways after their first loss of the season.
Mooney Toons – 155.36
Back 2 Back – 107.06
Back 2 Back Goes Back-to-Back (L's)
The High Roller just keeps on rollin’. For the first time this season, Cole’s Mooney Toons achieved the highest score of the week. However, they’ve been putting up points at quite a high rate and currently have the most in the league, putting them atop the league’s standings after three weeks. While achieving this feat, he also secured the Yarber Sweep, taking down both Yarber brothers in consecutive weeks. Just when you think Mike Williams (25.1) and Kenneth Walker (30.6) had amazing fantasy outings, here comes Davante Adams in the Sunday night game. Adams (42.2) was a target MONSTAR, turning 19 targets into a 13-172-2 line. Unfortunately for Cole, Mike Williams’ best performance of 2023 was also his last. It has now been confirmed that Williams tore his ACL and will miss the rest of this season. Another unfortunate move for Cole was his trading away of Bills RB, James Cook, early this Tuesday morning. Despite double-digit performances through each of his first three games and currently sitting at RB12 overall, Cole sent Cook packing, and will now have to play FLEX roulette every week until someone else emerges as a weekly play. For Josh, his Back 2 Back roster just went back-to-back with consecutive losses for the first time in what feels like forever. His fantasy week got off to a bad start because…he got off… To hear him tell it, he and the missus were preoccupied on Thursday afternoon, resulting in a FLEX play of Brandon Aiyuk, who was labeled inactive earlier in the day. The bad fantasy breaks spilled over into Sunday afternoon as Derrick Henry (acquired last week in a trade with Dustin) mustered just 2 points. Though a few of Josh’s players managed solid fantasy performances, just one of them surpassed that magic number we consider noteworthy, Amari Cooper (24.6). Being on the receiving end of the ass kicking of the week (48.3-point margin) dropped Josh all the way down to #9 in the overall standings and has him dwelling at the bottom of his Champ & Chumpz division. His next shot at a rebound will come against Keaton’s #2 Pat JJ’s Broken Chubb in week four. Cole puts his #1 ranking on the stand, where he’ll take shots from Zan and the #3 Bateman & Dobbins firm.
Bateman & Dobbins – 150.48
Kmet the Frog – 110.06
Justice Is Served
Knowlton’s Kmet the Frog organization has spent the first weeks of this football season on trial, facing charges of fantasy fraud and impersonation of a good fantasy football team. With Bateman & Dobbins on the case, a conclusion was reached at approximately 11:30pm EST on Monday, September 26th. Deebo Samuel (25.1) was the only witness Knowlton could bring to the stand in his defense, but this testimony was stricken from the record after it was later discovered to be a coverup story to mask the absence of Brandon Aiyuk from the 49ers active roster. The prosecution sat three key witnesses over the weekend – Lamar Jackson (28.18), Christian McCaffrey (22.9), and Zack Moss (22.5). The testimonies of these three delivered more than sufficient evidence to earn a guilty verdict. Shortly after the verdict was announced, Kmet the Frog was sentenced to a minimum of one week in the bottom quarter of the league standings with a potential maximum sentence of up to fourteen weeks. Early release could be granted with good behavior. The 8th-ranked Kmet the Frog will take on #7 Tone Deaf Men of Mentone in a hotly contested battle to see who can elevate their fantasy team to the upper half of this ultra-competitive league. Meanwhile, the Bateman & Dobbins firm will take their #3 ranking on the road for their biggest case yet, the #1 Mooney Toons. Will our resident attorney find a winning streak?
Pat JJ’s Broken Chubb – 140.28
Tone Deaf Men of Mentone – 128.62
Apex Predator Becomes Beta Prey
Any time there’s a Yarber involved, you can rest assured that the smack-talk will be top-notch and plentiful. This is especially true with Justin, who holds his words back for no man. Keaton is no different. Just a few short weeks ago, we were gathered around a campfire in that small community of Mentone, with testosterone flowing at an all-time high. At that time, Keaton was putting Justin’s wits to the ultimate test. Week three of this football season proved no different, as these two went back and forth at one another in the group chat and on the fantasy gridiron. The Tone Deaf Men got a solid performance from their apex sexual predator of a quarterback, Deshaun Watson (21.16), and then got the privilege of watching Keenan Allen (45.46) go absolutely nuclear with his 18-215-0 receiving line. But that was all negated when the Broken Chubb stiffened up with the following performances: Pat (25.68), JJ (27.9), and Raheem Mostert (45.2). What a ridiculous trio of scores… Keaton was able to clear 140 fantasy points even with a negative score from the Jaguar D/ST (-4)! Now, he’ll get the opportunity to follow in Cole’s footsteps and secure a Yarber Sweep in back-to-back weeks, with the elder Yarber on the clock. Justin will see if he can channel his inner #ALPHAAPEXPREDATOR again in week four, when he’ll take his #7 ranking up against Bobo’s 8th-ranked Kmet the Frog.
Sons of AnArchie – 135.28
Mike Vick in a Box – 113.02
Fall of the Undefeated
This is the earliest point of a season, in recent memory, that we have zero winless teams, and zero undefeated teams. Devarus had every right to feel confident heading into week three. Well, except for the fact that he started 4-0 last season before hitting a 5-week losing streak and ended up in the consolation bracket. Nevertheless, his Mike Vick in a Box roster had secured two big wins to open 2023 and they had Trevor’s Sons of AnArchie dead in their sights. Life seemed to be going great with Josh Allen (21.32) and the Cheetah (30.7) doing what they do. That is, until Devarus watched the Bills D/ST score 37 fantasy points in the early window. Boy, life really comes at ya fast, doesn’t it? While Trevor had the defensive start of the week, and got yet another great outing from Kirko Chainz (25.68), the real MVP was sitting on his bench. Out of nowhere, the undersized Aggie, De’Von Achane averaged more than 11 yards per carry on his way to 203 rushing yards, 2 rushing tuddies, and 2 more scores through the air. This unreal performance was good for 51.3 fantasy points and could very likely go down as the running back performance of the year for fantasy. And it didn’t even matter because it was on someone’s bench… This is a great indicator of just how wild fantasy football really is. But there’s also not a soul on earth that expected the Dolphins to go out and be the first NFL team since 1966 to score 70 points either. This resulted in one of the more brutal beatings of the week, with Devarus falling by more than 20 fantasy points. Mike Vick in a Box falls from the top spot in the standings, all the way to #5. Vibes have to be high for the organization though, as they prepare to face the 10th-ranked Taylor Park Boys and their Tilt King of a GM in week four. The Boys are tilting harder than ever after back-to-back weeks as the league’s lowest scoring team. As for the Sons of AnArchie, they sit at #4 overall and have to make a visit to the locker room to see the Commissioner’s Great Guys, a group that just found their first win of the season and is feeling hot-to-trot.
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