BAD JUJU – 129.24
KING HENRY STIFFY – 125.40
The first installment of the 2022 HQ Bowl didn’t see any action until Sunday afternoon and came all the way down to the wire as Sunday Night Football drew to a close, finishing as the tightest matchup of the week with a small 3.84 score differential. Slick’s trio of Commanders weren’t playing very well, including Carson Wentz’s negative score, until the final quarter of their game against the Eagles. Surprisingly, rookie Dameon Pierce (18.1) outplayed reigning RB1, Jonathan Taylor (12.1). The highlight player and real difference in this matchup came down to The Slim Reaper, DeVonta Smith (30.9), and his 7-156-1 line IN THE FIRST HALF. Sadly, the Commish watched as the Bills stack couldn’t connect for a score in Miami, and the benched Jamaal Williams (24.7) benefitted from a banged up, starting D’Andre Swift (7.6). Luckily for the Stiffies, the Co-Commish shot every bullet he had in the 1pm window, leaving Gerald Everett & Popcorn Sutton a chance to erase their team’s deficit of 26.04 points. Somehow, Everett entered the weekend as a top-5 TE facing the Jags’ sketchy defense and left with a measly 4.5 fantasy points on the day. This put quite a heavy burden on Sutton, who damn near got the job done. Sutton narrowly missed double digits in the first half. Trailing 10-5 late, Russell Wilson found Sutton on a deep, back-shoulder throw, where he was tackled five yards short of the endzone. That catch would be Sutton’s last, ending his night at 17.7 points. While this loss is painful, the Stiffies adopted the 24-hour rule and have put the past behind them. Though they’ve only fallen one spot in the standings to #2 overall, they now roll into the week 4 MATCHUP OF THE WEEK with the new king of the rankings and only remaining undefeated team, Mike Vick in a Box. A fantasy matchup as loaded with talent as the 2019 Alabama/LSU game, this one has fireworks written all over it! As for the JuJu, they’ve actually just traded away their namesake player, which might just serve as the bad omen needed to absolutely derail their 2022 campaign. They’ll take their #7 overall rank into a matchup with #9 Kittles ‘N Bits.
THE JR VARSITY – 113.50
RIC FLAIR’S HAIR – 95.72
The MATCHUP OF THE WEEK failed to impress spectators as the total number of starting fantasy players to break the 20-point threshold was ONE. Amari Cooper (23.1) had himself a prime performance during Amazon’s TNF broadcast, while Josh’s TE play of Pat “The Muth” Freiermuth (6.1) meddled with mediocrity. The highest scoring players for one of the lowest scoring teams this week were Derek Carr (19.82) & the Bengals D/ST (16). Fantasy life is not going well when those two pieces are the most productive in your starting lineup… As for the JV, AJ Brown (19.5) was just about the only other starter worth noting in week 3. Dalton did get to exercise his demons from the 2021 championship game though. And to that, we propose a toast of the finest, Buuuuussssch. This victory helps the Junior Varsity climb one more spot to #3 in the overall standings, while the loss drops Ric Flair’s Hair four spots to #10 overall. Dalton’s JV team has a couple starters with the dreaded yellow “Q” by their icons, so we’ll see how he manages these potential injury situations in week 4 when he lines up against Zan’s Commando Dolphins. As for our reigning champ, he’s going to head to store and look for some more hair product to see if he can pretty himself up again for a matchup with the other rookie member, Bobo’s B****es. Will the three-time champion and league legend fall to 0-2 against rookies to start the year?? “I don’t want no Fop; I’m a Dapper Dan man!”
COMMANDO DOLPHINS – 105.56
MAGIC CITY SKEET SHOOTERS – 81.58
Talk about a sleeper of a competition… You only THOUGHT the previous recap was bad, where just one player scored more than 20 points. And now you’re reading recap where not one single starter reached 18! Somehow, this ended up being the ass kicking of the week, being decided by 23.98 points. Just to illustrate parody in fantasy football – 23.98 points would’ve been the tightest margin of week 2. It’s wild how much the winds change in this sport! No individual players will be deemed worthy of recognition in this writeup, but the glaring deficiency that led to the Skeet Shooters achieving the lowest score of the week would be in the FLEX spots, where Keaton’s combo scored a whopping 2.8 points. Brutal. Monday evening saw quite a few trades taking place, with both of these members right in the mix. It’s to be seen if either of these rosters actually got any better. The results of this matchup have both the Dolphins and the Skeet Shooters tied with 2-1 records, though the Shooters hold a slight advantage in total points scored. Both also hold a 1-1 divisional record, potentially creating a ton of tension in the final weeks of the regular season. For anyone who’s been in this league for any amount of time, it’s just a fact that our resident Ric Flair never stays down for long and could easily sneak up and take this division from either of them. Zan’s #6 Dolphins will try to maintain their Commando ways in a week 4 matchup with the #3 Jr Varsity. As for the Magic City men, they’ve got a date with the 0-3 Mixon a Strong Drink who’s probably looking to mix one of those Dahmer concoctions to ensure themselves a win. “It’s just detergent.”
BOBO’S B****ES – 108.94
MIXON A STRONG DRINK – 97.40
For the third straight week, the hard fact that winning isn’t such a breeze was proven to Brandon, even leading him to change his team name. Let’s be honest, it was beyond time for this move anyway. The difference in this matchup came down the RBs, where James Robinson (20.6) led the way for the b****es. Unfortunately for Brandon, Joe Mixon (6.8) must’ve mixed one up pregame, and JK Dobbins (6) was JK’ing about being ready to play in his 2022 debut. Tyler Boyd (20.5) was the straw that stirred this weak drink in week 3. As one of two teams still looking for their first win of the season, Mixon a Strong Drink will get another crack at a rookie in week 4 in Magic City. Brandon hopes to successfully slip a lil’ sumn-sumn in Keaton’s drink and reverse the roles on who the real Skeet Shooters will be. With nothing to lose at this point and a scandalous, new team name, Brandon’s squad could be one of the more dangerous in the league... As for Bobo, he and his b****es look to continue their winning ways against a battered, old man with dissociative identity disorder, Josh “Ric” Yarber. It appears the folks over at NFL Fantasy headquarters think this upcoming bout will be a close one, with projections actually favoring the feathered hair by less than 2 points.
MIKE VICK IN A BOX – 129.32
BAD NEWZ KENNELS – 115.34
Entering Monday night, this one looked like it may very well end up going Justin’s way and completing upset weekend here in the Church of Gronk. When the game reached halftime with a score of 6-3, it began to look like even more of a possibility! However, both Saquon (22.6) & Zeke (14.5) found their footing and piled on the production to secure a win by almost 15 points for Devarus. The Vick in a Box management continues to ride the incredible success of Lamar Jackson (39.42) as well, now sitting atop the league standings as the only remaining undefeated team heading into week 4. However, this is no time to relax and take their foot off the gas pedal. This upcoming weekend will host a top-2 matchup between #1 Mike Vick in a Box and #2 King Henry Stiffy. A battle of heavyweights that boasts an immense amount of fantasy talent with Josh Allen, Stefon Diggs, & Mark Andrews on one side competing against Lamar Jackson, Saquon Barkley, & Cooper Kupp on the other. This will undoubtedly serve as the MATCHUP OF THE WEEK! The dog catcher running the Bad Newz Kennels did have a couple of studs show out in week 4, Cordarrelle Patterson (22.3) & Captain Kirk (19.2). However, he’s since re-homed one of those pups in exchange for a DAWG named Javonte Williams. We’ll see how this trade works out for him soon enough. Desperate times often call for desperate measures, which may be exactly what we’re seeing from Justin’s 0-3, dead-last Bad Newz Kennels. If there’s one thing history has shown us, it’s that Justin tends to start awfully slow before turning red hot in the month of October and, often, finding his way into the postseason tournament. He’ll have his hands full in week 4, facing fellow founding father and dear friend, Cole. The Real Slim Brady is currently favored by double digits and has high confidence coming off a big win this past weekend. This weekend, we turn our calendars from September to October. Will the Bad Newz Kennels turn a page of their own and find the win column for the first time in 2022?
THE REAL SLIM BRADY – 147.20
KITTLES ‘B BITS – 124.30
Turns out, poor matchup luck for Opey continues for yet another year. The Kittles ‘N Bits performed well enough to earn the fifth-highest score of week 3. Unfortunately, they were scheduled against the highest-scoring team of the week. It’s a recurring theme that may eventually send Opey to an insane asylum. Jalen Hurts (27.6) continued to lead the Eagles as if they’re a Super Bowl contender, and Hollywood Brown (28) made the most of his 17 targets, but it was Khalil Herbert (30.9) who really stole the show. The issue is that Herbert was riding the pine on the Bits’ bench, along with Rhamondre Stevenson (20.1), Chris Olave (23.7), & Isaiah McKenzie (21.2). As you can likely tell, this bench squad was the best of the week, combining for 100.90 fantasy points, all for nothing. The recipe for The Real Slim Brady’s success included Joey Burrr (23) & Derrick Henry (25.3) finally finding their rhythms, along with CeeDee Lamb’s (22.7) strong second half on Monday night. With their first win of the season, The Real Slim Brady jumps up to #8 in the standings and has a potentially favorable matchup against the last-ranked Bad Newz Kennels coming up. Kittles ‘N Bits management is reeling after falling to 1-2 with an 0-2 divisional record early in the season. The good news is that Opey’s squad has shown the ability to consistently score in the upper half of the league scoreboard each week and will be facing a 2-1 Bad JuJu team that’s shown they’re not afraid to give us the lowest score ever. The Bits are favored by a dozen in their upcoming bout.
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