Mike Vick in a Box – 123.86
Great Locker Room Guys – 122.36
Another Hot Start
These two teams entered week two from very different places. For Devarus, Mike Vick in a Box was coming off a big divisional win over his most bitter Church of Gronk rival. On the other hand, the Commissioner’s Great Locker Room Guys were fresh off of posting one of the lowest scores of week one. Action kicked off on Thursday night when Tyler made the last-minute decision to start the Eagles D/ST (9), and Devarus started TJ Hockenson (25.6). Four first half turnovers had our Commish feeling right! At one point in the third quarter, that Eagles D was actually outscoring Hockenson 14-13. That is, until an officiating blunder late in the game. The Eagles defense had just forced another fumble deep in their own territory that would’ve stopped a solid Vikings drive. BUT WAIT! The turnover was negated by such a ticky-tack neutral zone infraction on a defensive end. This gave the Vikings a first down, new life in the redzone, and eventually led to Hockenson catching a garbage touchdown on a flat route from two yards out… Talk about a massive swing of both scoring and momentum in the early game of the week. But never wavering, the Locker Room Guys showed just how great they are at sticking together and picking one another up when times get tough. Justin Herbert (22.2) showed consistency and Christian Kirk (21.96) went from zero-to-hero after a terrible week one performance. Vibes were high in the front office, even after Devarus got 23.66 from Josh Allen and 28.9 from Tee Higgins, because Mr. Commish held a lead for the first time this season. 14 points isn’t enough of a cushion to feel very comfortable with a player like Tyreek Hill left in your opponent's lineup, but the Cheetah had to go on the road in primetime for a Sunday night game at New England. And if there’s one man you can trust to shut down a team’s top weapon, it’s William S. Belichick. While he did a decent job of keeping Hill in check, it still wasn’t enough. After scoring 15 fantasy points, Tyreek called it a night on his game, as well as this fantasy matchup, leaving Devarus to claim the tightest win of the week, just 1.5 points. Mike Vick in a Box leaves the weekend as the only remaining undefeated team in the Church of Gronk congregation. Their luck will be tested against a feisty divisional opponent, Sons of AnArchie, in week three. As for the 12th-ranked Great Locker Room Guys, tensions are rising, as they’re the only remaining winless team. The stakes couldn’t get any higher as they face their next divisional opponent, #11 Burrows Before Hoes, in the coming week. This has MATCHUP OF THE WEEK written all over it. Mostly because it’s a meeting of mediocrity…
Kmet the Frog – 127.54
Pat JJ’s Chubb – 114.70
The Sophomore Cup
Week two’s MATCHUP OF THE WEEK, better known as The Sophomore Cup, did not disappoint. We had Keaton, the 2022 Rookie of the Year and Consolation Bracket Champion, taking on Knowlton, the 2022 Sacko Bowl Champion. Though this wasn’t a divisional bout, bragging rights are something that can be hard to come by in this ultra-competitive league, so each win brings great power. Keaton definitely patted JJ’s Chubb at some point earlier in the week, because Jettas (24.9) came out swinging in the “City of Brotherly Love” on Thursday night. Patrick Mahomes (21.2) then showed out like his old self in Jacksonville during the early window of games on Sunday. Apparently, the Chiefs are a better football team with a healthy Kelce? And then Raheem Mostert (25.7) absolutely FEASTED on the Patriot defense in primetime, rushing for more than 120 yards and 2 tuddies. None of this mattered because Kmet the Frog had just two players finish in the single digits – Javonte Williams (7.8) and Cole Kmet (7.8). #Twinning. Technically the Browns D/ST (7) finished with single digits too, but that’s different… Rachaad White (21.3), Deebo Samuel (22.1), and breakout star Kyren Williams (28) all led Knowlton to a strong victory to get into the win column for the first time this year and silenced the blabbering mouth of our league’s troll. (We’ll never let you live that down, Keaton.) A roster that once looked questionable at best, has suddenly emerged as one with tons of potential. No, I’m not talking about the JJ’s Chubb roster either. Bobo dug up a couple of diamonds in the rough in his RB room, and hopes to build on this positivity in his week three matchup with divisional opponent and legal firm, Bateman & Dobbins. Hopefully Knowlton doesn’t beat Zan so bad that he ends up in front of a judge. Keaton will need to wake up from his Subaru nap and remember to set his lineup for a tough upcoming fight for his pride and fantasy life as he heads up the mountain to visit the Tone Deaf Men of Mentone. Time to find out who the REAL #APEXPREDATOR is…
Deshaun Wantsome – 147.82
Sons of AnArchie – 121.36
Co-Commissioner Rebounds
In one of the league’s most hyped divisions, Watkinsville, resides the two fine men going to battle in this particular recap. Dustin, our league’s Co-Commissioner and owner of Deshaun Wantsome, and Trevor, a beloved member returning from a year-long hiatus, owner of Sons of AnArchie. Two friends who have a history dating back to early childhood. It’s beautiful, really. But absolutely none of that matters when two men go head-to-head in a Church of Gronk fantasy football matchup. Dustin wanted some, and boy did he get it! Jalen Hurts (25.22) got the ball rolling early, showing out on Thursday night. He was then followed by trade acquisition, Nico Collins (27.6), and George Pickens (22.7) to highlight the highest scoring lineup of week two! Across the scorecard, Kirko Chainz (28.56) was doing his best to lead the Sons lineup to victory for a second straight week. Much like his real life in football, he’s out there doing the damn thing and is even scoring as the QB1 in this early portion of the season, but the rest of his team just ain’t cutting it. Compact Disk Lamb (25.3) was the only other player of note for the Sons this week. Trevor faces a tall task in the upcoming week, with his opponent just so happening to be the #1 team in the league and the last undefeated, Mike Vick in a Box. But if Devarus has shown us anything, it’s that he knows how to squander an early lead. As for Dustin, he’ll be wanting some more when he travels to that little cabin in the woods where the Taylor Park Boys reside. Fortunately for him, those boys just so happen to be managed by the Tilt King himself, and they’re coming off a devastating week two loss.
Burrows Before Hoes – 118.58
Taylor Park Boys – 103.64
HE'S ALIIIIIIVVVVVVEEEEEE!
If there’s ever been a win in the sports world that has absolutely blown your mind, like, as close to 0% chance of happening before it happened, forget about it. THIS matchup beats that tenfold. Brandon’s Burrows Before Hoes roster entered week two rivaling that of Justin Yarber’s 2022 Sacko roster. Injury-plagued doesn’t quite begin to describe it. I mean, Jonathan Taylor (PUP) hates the organization he’s under contract with so much that he’s faked an injury to avoid playing. Cooper Kupp is on IR with a hamstring injury that’s so bad he was going to Narnia to get hammy experts to check it out. Diontae Johnson is also on IR after ripping his hamstring off the bone in week one, and it’s probably safe to assume that Brandon is the only person in the entire fantasy football universe that didn’t have the heart to cut him and open a roster spot for a healthy player. Kenneth Gainwell was supposed to be the Hoes’ lead back but got his ribs seasoned with some New England clam powder in week one, so he wasn’t even available this past week. So when all was said and done, Brandon was left clinging to hopes and prayers with Joshua Kelly, Tyler Boyd, and elderly Adam Thielen playing meaningful minutes. Thielen (20.4) actually ended up being one of two unexpecting WRs to lead this team to victory. The other, Josh Reynolds (23.6) of the Detroit Lions. But what did it cost Brandon? Some might say everything, as Joe Burrow reaggravated the calf injury he sustained in the first week of training camp. This loss has to sting for Opey and his Taylor Park Boys. They entered the weekend as one of the top-ranked teams after week one, started the season with a divisional win over a bitter rival, and were feeling good about themselves. Well, this weekend showed them that nothing is safe or sacred in fantasy football. Out of nine starting positions in Church of Gronk lineups, Opey had FIVE of them fail to muster as much as 8 fantasy points apiece. In fact, the only Taylor Park player to sniff 20+ points was Mike Evans (29.1). This one has to leave Mr. Jones questioning everything, and possibly tilting harder than he’s ever tilted before. Not an ideal place to be for an owner having to turn around next week and face the highest scoring team from this week, Slick Willy Watkins. For Brando, he’ll have to make some moves and try to tape together a healthy enough lineup to fill the scorecard in week three’s divisional matchup with the League Commissioner.
Mooney Toons – 146.54
Tone Deaf Men of Mentone – 135.50
Mooney Toons or MONSTARS?
The highest scoring matchup of the week came from two members who are brothers from other mothers, both multi-time champions in the COG, with Cole securing his first W of 2022 over Justin Yarber. Does Cole deserve it? The group chat doesn’t think so because he’s basically nonexistent in GroupMe. That is, until he said “hahahahahahaha” in response to a message after his lineup scored nearly 100 points before 2pm on Sunday afternoon. But whether you think Cole deserved this win for moral reasons or not, his lineup definitely deserved it, as six of nine starters scored more than 15 fantasy points, with the Ravens D/ST (3) ending up the only single-digit performer. Leading the charger were rookie sensation, Bijan Mustard (21.2), Davante Adams (20.4), and The Slim Reaper, DaVonta Smith (23.1). The Mooney Toons narrowly missed the highest score of the week, but have scored the most points in the league over the first two weeks. Can’t say that’s too surprising from a member who’s won two of the last three High Roller awards. The Tone Deaf Men are no slouches though. 135 fantasy points is a stout showing and was still in the top-half of the league in week two. Saquon “Ouch, My Ankle” Barkley (27.2) and Keenan Allen (31.1) were the highlight players of the week for our former Commissioner. With Saquon leaving his game early with another nasty ankle injury though, Justin will need to make some moves to bolster his RB depth and keep things rolling in the right direction. Justin will face off with a younger member who might quickly be growing into one of his rivals, Keaton, in week three. Cole will take a shot at one of the rarer feats next weekend, attempting to complete the back-to-back Yarber sweep against, ironically, our reigning back-to-back champion, Josh.
Bateman & Dobbins – 145.48
Back 2 Back – 104.10
DOWN GOES FRAZIER!
Josh finally got his day in court and his appointed attorney wasn’t fit for the legal prowess of Zan Thompson of Bateman & Dobbins. With one of the highest scores of the week, Zan pulled out all the stops by starting Lamar Jackson (22.88), CMC (22.5), Zack Moss (20.7), and the Steelers D/ST (26). Forgive me if I’m wrong, but I do believe this was the highest number of starters to go for 20+ from any lineup set in week two. Conversely, Josh’s only starter to achieve such was the FLEX play of Puka Nukem (30.1). (If you get that Duke Nukem reference, then you’re old enough to subscribe to this blog.) It can’t be said with certainty that Josh could’ve managed a victory in this matchup with better roster management, just from a quick glance over the scorecard and how player positions must be dispersed. But hopefully it will ease his pain to know that he secured the highest bench score of the week with 83 fantasy points in reserve. Every loss stinks, but Josh is 1-1 and proved to us just last season that his team doesn’t have to get hot until the final push of the regular season to make noise in the playoffs, and that’s the worst time for the rest of us to watch him build momentum. He’s the undisputed Church of Gronk G.O.A.T. until he’s not. It is what it is… Josh will try to avoid falling victim to the Yarber Sweep in week three, when he’ll also try to avenge his younger brother’s week two loss to Big Hamz Germain and his Mooney Toons. Zan’s next legal opponent is Bobo's Kmet the Frog.
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