KING HENRY STIFFY – 168.08
THE REAL SLIM BRADY – 139.66
For a second consecutive outing, your commissioner’s squad went full-stiffy on a divisional opponent by posting the second-highest score of the week! If you’re looking for a wild stat, this matchup was the tightest of week 2 in the Church of Gronk, decided by 28.42 points. This was blowout weekend! The ball got rolling on Thursday night when Charger TE, Gerald Everett (13.1) was able to outduel perennial number one TE, Travis Kelce (10.1). Managing to survive a positional battle such as this had KHS management riding a wave of positive momentum as they rolled into the Sunday slate of games. Early that afternoon, emotions started dipping as Rashod Bateman (20.8) raced to the endzone for a 75-yard score, only to be wasted on the stiffness of the commissioner’s bench… However, Mark Andrews (25.7) had himself quite a game as a FLEX to help ease the pain of Bateman’s mismanagement. Courtland “Popcorn” Sutton (19.7) put together quite an efficient performance despite the rest of the Bronco offense looking as lost as last year’s Easter egg. Lackluster RB performances from Chase Edmonds (5.1) & Melvin Gordon (6.3) in the Stiffy starting lineup left the door open for The Real Slim Brady to slide into a comfortable lead at close of business Sunday night. Every single player that Cole started on Sunday was able to reach double-digit figures, highlighted by the surprising emergence of Drake London (24.6) & the Bucs D/ST (26). Heading into Monday night’s Titans @ Bills game, King Henry Limpy was facing a scoreboard deficit of nearly 40 points with Slim Brady starting DH himself in the RB1 slot. Things weren’t looking too hot. That is, until the Bills stack of Josh Allen (29.68) & Stefon Diggs (44.8) went HAM for 2.5 quarters in route to opening a New York can of whoop-ass on the Titans. To make matters worse for Cole, the stingy defense of the northern bison herd stampeded over King Henry, allowing him just 8.5 fantasy points. This turn of events vaulted Tyler to the top of the overall league power ranking, where he holds a 2-0 record and is also undefeated within the TEs & Tequila division. One can’t ask for a much better start to the fantasy season! Expectations for Tyler in week 3 are as high as ever, as his upcoming opponent is fresh off posting the lowest score this league has seen within the past couple of seasons, possibly ever. It goes without saying that the Commish is a heavy favorite over league management partner, Dustin, and his Bad JuJu. Cole’s 0-2 Real Slim Brady is currently projected to defeat divisional opponent, 1-1 Kittles ‘N Bits. Can they find their first win of the season?
RIC FLAIR’S HAIR – 137.68
COMMANDO DOLPHINS – 105.88
The reigning league champion found his footing in week 2 by defeating division foe, Zan’s Commando Dolphins, by more than 30 points. If you will, please remember the image of former Florida Gator football coach, Jim McElwain, straddling a shark on a boat deck while stark naked. Awful tanlines and all. Now, modify that image in your mind to see Josh doing the same to a bottlenose dolphin. One can assume he’s also wearing his cowboy hat in said image. That’s basically what the cover photo for this fantasy matchup would be. Zan was likely feeling pretty solid after getting 18.4 from Austin Ekeler in primetime on Thursday night. But it didn’t take long for the tides to turn come Sunday afternoon, as the only other player in the Dolphins’ starting lineup to score more than 15 points was Kyler Murray (25.88). For the vast majority of his game with against the Raiders, the film study guru was held in check. All it took was a 2-point conversion play that lasted longer than the average male “performance” for his fantasy afternoon to reach a climax. Unfortunately for Zan, this was the only player in his lineup to surpass the 20-point milestone. On the other side of the scorecard, you’ll find mostly average or even subpar scores from Josh’s team. The outlier and biggest contributor to the Hair’s success in week 2 was Tyreek “Cheetah” Hill going off for a whopping 42 points! Another ironic turn in the Church of Gronk, as a real-life NFL Dolphin dealt the death blow to the fantasy Dolphins… With this win, Ric Flair’s Hair jumps four spots in the COG power ranking to #6 overall and will take a 1-1 record into the week 3 MATCHUP OF THE WEEK for a 2021 championship rematch against Dalton’s 1-1 Jr Varsity! The Commando Dolphins fall to 8th place and sit last in the Rolex Wearin’ Jet Setters division. They’ll travel to Magic City to see if they can be the first opponent of the season to leave the 2-0 Skeet Shooters with blue balls.
THE JR VARSITY – 173.76
WINNING IS A BREES – 125.26
Somewhere along with way, Opey must’ve infected Brandon with his bad luck bug. In a week where Brandon could’ve been competitive or even won against roughly half of the other members in the league, he drew the short straw of facing the highest-scoring team in The Jr Varsity. Before getting his ribs smoked, Justin Herbert (23.46) put up a solid QB performance. A large part of his success came on the back of his hyper-targeting Mike Williams (25.3) with Keenan Allen injured. The Charger stack looked like a beautiful play for Brando! Unfortunately, the rest of his lineup didn’t fare so well, including just 1.5 points from Rashad Penny. Oh, and we can’t forget that Mike Evans (9.1) left The Big Easy a little early because he showed up looking for a boxing match when a football game appeared to break out. He’ll now serve a one-game suspension, leaving us to question “Where does Brandon turn in this time of need?” The JV team put on a varsity-like performance with Aaron Jones (32) & Amari Cooper (25.1) showing out. But it was Jaylen doing his penguin Waddle all afternoon to the tune of 40.1 fantasy points that broke this thing wide open and led to the highest score of our young season. The Jr Varsity has taken back control of the Busch Leeg division and will now participate in the MATCHUP OF THE WEEK against the man who took glory from his grasp at the end of the 2021 postseason. Early projections favor the JV by double-digits. Meanwhile, Winning is a Brees will face off with the 1-1 rookie squad, Bobo’s B****es, with sights set on that first dub of 2022.
MIKE VICK IN A BOX – 125.78
BAD JUJU – 57.80
Let us observe a moment of silence for dear Co-Commissioner, Slick Watkins, and his fantasy team. This past weekend, the Bad JuJu lineup was involved in a terrible collision with Devarus’ Mike Vick in a Box lineup, resulting in the worst ass-kicking of the week (67.98 points). The margin of victory in this matchup would’ve beaten the Bad JuJu lineup by more than 10 points. There was never so much as a glimmer of hope in this matchup because the only players that Slick had score in double-digits were Not-So-DangeRuss Wilson (13.06) & Not-So-Scary Terry McLaurin (12.2). Not to kick a dead horse, but the Dolphin D/ST didn’t help matters by scoring -4… Devarus thought he’d make the smart play of stacking LA Rams talent against a questionable Falcons defense, starting Tennis Elbow Stafford (18.98), Cooper Kupp (31.8), & Tyler Higbee (14.1). All were great starts. But what’s even more impressive is that Devarus experienced this dominant win while leaving Lamar Jackson (42.62) & Tony Pollard (19.8) on his bench. This huge divisional win gives the Vick in a Box a 2-0 start to the season and has them ranked #3 overall. Week 3 sees them host the lowly 12th-ranked CeeDeez Nutz in another divisional matchup, where they’re favored by approximately 25 points. As for the JuJu, “bad” may continue to be the trend as they line up against the Commissioner’s King Henry Stiffy in what we’ll call the “Headquarters Bowl”. The #1 Stiffies are the projected favorites in this one by nearly 15. However, Dustin always plays Tyler tight, and this one could easily end up being the upset of week 3.
MAGIC CITY SKEET SHOOTERS – 118.10
BOBO’S B****ES – 87.50
The Skeet Shooter entered week 2’s rookie-vs-rookie matchup with ill intent, and most definitely made Bobo their b****. Highlight players for the winning squad were Nicholas “Full” Chubb (32.3) & that insane Bills D/ST (20) yet again. How the following has happened for a second straight week is beyond me, but Keaton’s team won by more than 30 points while starting a fat, round zero at a skill position [DJ Chark]. It must be noted that Knowlton was the first rookie to manage his lineup as such, leaving 79.3 points on the bench, which could’ve made this one a lot more competitive than it ended up being. The only player of note on his roster was Jets WR Garrett Wilson (30), who was riding the fantasy pine in week 2. If he’ll manage his roster just a smidge better in week 3, he’ll have a chance to get back over .500 on the young season while also, basically, damning divisional foe, Brandon, to an 0-3 fantasy Hell. The second-ranked Skeet Shooters enter week 3 as favorites over division opponent, the Commando Dolphins. After a rather quiet Monday night performance this past week, I’m sure Justin Jefferson will have something to contribute in his next game.
KITTLES ‘N BITS – 126.72
CEEDEEZ NUTZ – 73.60
After suffering an extremely tough rivalry loss in week 1, Opey’s Kittles ‘N Bits bounced back in strong fashion, kicking Justin right in the Nutz for a win by more than 50 points! Another beatdown perpetrated by a team with a doughnut in the starting lineup [Parris Campbell]. The stars of Opey’s show had to be Amon-Ra St. Brown (39.4) with his exploding fantasy superstardom and Jalen Hurts (33.02) who has the Eagles absolutely ROLLING right now. This one ended up being so lopsided due to Justin’s QB start of Trey Lance (2.5) hitting a bit of a snag during the second offensive possession of the game. This snag just so happened to be a season-ending ankle injury that may have cemented Jimmy G as 49er QB for years to come. The only players that tried to come to the rescue for this fantasy lineup were Christian Kirk (25.8) & Deebo Samuel (14.7). Things are looking bleak over in the Nutz neighborhood, while the Bits are very much alive and ready to compete early in the season. The Nutz are ranked in 12th and final place in the overall standings, currently sitting at 0-2 with a not-so-pretty matchup against undefeated Mike Vick in a Box looming. The #5 Bits will try to take their first division win of the season when they take on the 0-2 Slim Brady in week 3!
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