Back 2 Back – 125.52
Kmet the Frog – 113.34
The Champ's Reign Continues
It only feels fitting to kick off the first recap of the year with our defending back-to-back champion winning one of the closest and most entertaining matchups of opening week. This matchup was exactly what fantasy players live for – two teams duking it out with Monday night implications to keep us all locked in until the final snap. Did Josh have four starters give single-digit production? Of course he did, and it wouldn’t be a Josh Yarber-led team without a terrible QB. But the combination of Brandon Aiyuk (32.9) and Stefon Diggs (26.2) carried him to one of the highest scores of the week, and a solid win over the reigning Sacko Bowl champion. Bobo showed us that he doesn’t truly believe in his team’s namesake, Cole Kmet (9.4), because he started the best blocking TE in the NFL, George Kittle (4.9). It’s apparent that he didn’t listen to the scoring rules portion of our pre-draft meeting when it was clearly stated that blocking is not a fantasy statistic. The good news is that he now gets another bench spot to stash a more productive TE than the one he will inevitably start, as Aaron Rodgers blew his Achilles tendon on the fourth play of Monday Night Football. (Sidebar: This really sucks because we all love A-Rod and this awesome story with his new franchise is suddenly over before it even started, and he may never play again.) Opening weekend loss aside, Bobo did get solid production from the Church of Gronk’s number one overall pick, Austin Ekeler (26.4), who looked fantastic when he was on the field. Zay Flowers (17.7) was also a great FLEX play and appears to be the top target in Baltimore, at least until Mark Andrews returns. Bobo follows this matchup against the reigning league champ with a matchup against the reigning consolation bracket champ in week two, facing off against Keaton’s Pat JJ’s Chubb. Josh will look for 2-0 against Zan’s Bateman & Dobbins.
Tone Deaf Men of Mentone – 109.26
Bateman & Dobbins – 84.96
Return of Mr. Sacko
The self-proclaimed ALPHA APEX PREDATOR and reigning Sacko, Justin, opened his 2023 campaign by pouring syrup all over our 2017 Sacko, Zan. Six starters with single-digit scores made for quite a sticky stack of bums leading to one of the lower scores in the league this week for Bateman & Dobbins. Bateman & Dobbins sounds like the law firm that would’ve represented Deshaun Watson during his fight against more than twenty sexual misconduct allegations. Ironically, Watson (20.66) is just the guy who helped dismantle our league’s legal expert, finishing as the highest-scoring player of the week for the Tone Deaf Men of Mentone. It’s even funnier that Zan would be the member to name his team like a law firm, after he’s the one who questioned the validity and legality of our league contract at the 2020 COVID Draft. Anyway, back to the recap! Thursday Night Football gave us quite an entertaining game as the Lions upset the Chiefs 21-20. Both members in this matchup had to feel good after Zan saw Amon-Ra St. Brown (19.1) outshine Justin’s FLEX play of David Montgomery (13.4), who is also the second-best RB in Detroit. We’ll revisit that later… CMC (25.9) feasted on the Steelers Sunday afternoon and gave Zan the best production in his starting lineup, unsurprisingly. Though there weren’t any extraordinary plays in this matchup, Justin did enough to win. Or did Zan do little enough to lose? You can decide. The APEX PREDATOR in Justin will be peering into the tree line, looking for the pair of beady, glowing eyes that represent Cole’s fantasy team. Once he finally locks onto them, he’s going to pounce full force in an attempt devour them and claim another victory. If you don’t get this reference, you weren’t out at the fire pit at 4:00am on draft night. Thank your lucky stars. As for Bateman & Dobbins, their next client is Josh Yarber. Will Zan be swept by the Yarber brothers in back-to-back weeks, or will he be able to line up enough firepower and secure the upset?
Sons of AnArchie – 123.96
Burrows Before Hoes – 61.88
A Welcome Back Beatdown
I’d like to start this recap by welcoming back a dear friend and great member of this league, Trevor Norris. After taking a one-year hiatus in 2022, Trevor returned to the Church of Gronk with a wedding band on his left hand, and a newfound Chiefs fandom in the rest of his body. Trevor took Travis Kelce with his first pick but had to bench him after a tweaked knee left him out of commission for the Thursday night kickoff of the new NFL season. Disappointed, Trevor tossed a waiver wire TE into his lineup and took off to the Rocky Mountains. With Aaron Jones (26.7) and Michael Pittman (23.7) leading the way, Sons of AnArchie put up a score that would’ve won against most of the league. But Trevor got an extra special welcome back gift from his opponent… Brandon’s Burrows Before Hoes provided us with the lowest score of the week, which was so low that it might take the cake for lowest score OF THE SEASON when all is said and done. Maybe those hoes are tired of always being put second? You ever thought of that, Brandon? Huh? Joe Burrow (3.18) played the worst game of his career, maybe of his entire life. To make matters worse for Brandon, Antonio Gibson (0.9) scored less than a full point, Diontae Johnson (7.8) blew his hamstring, and Evan Hull (1.7) “will miss time” with a knee injury. Much like Justin’s last year, it appears Brandon’s team might be the place where fantasy seasons go to die. He’s already holding PUP Jonathan Taylor and IR Cooper Kupp on his bench, and this league doesn’t provide an IR roster slot. Given this low-scoring output by Brandon, Trevor also secured the KNOCKOUT OF THE WEEK in his first week back, beating Brandon by 62.08 fantasy points, more than Brandon’s lineup even produced. To say that B-Dub is already the heavy favorite to earn the Sacko title is an understatement. Brandon will need to start a roster overhaul as soon as possible, as he opens division play against Tilt-A-Whirl division leader, Opey, next week. As for Trevor, his return to the Church of Gronk couldn’t line up any better. After taking advantage of week one’s lowest scorer, he’ll face week one’s second-lowest scorer, Dustin, in week two.
Taylor Park Boys – 130.94
Great Locker Room Guys – 77.52
Changing of the Guard?
A rivalry for the ages. Tyler and Opey play in numerous leagues together; they have for years. This makes for tons of discussion and smack talk between two dear friends. Their Church of Gronk matchups have historically leaned in Tyler’s favor, including a sweep over Opey in two divisional matchups in 2022. But the tides could be shifting in 2023, with a season opening victory for Opey’s Taylor Park Boys. This had potential to be the lowest-scoring matchup of week one heading into Sunday night. The Great Locker Room Guys may have started the most single-digit performers of the week, leaving the Eagles D/ST (13) and QB Justin Herbert (20.92) as their only solid starts. Knowing these great guys were taking home an L, Opey’s play of the Cowboys D/ST (37) just poured salt into the wound, as they gave us one of the best fantasy performances of the week from, not just defenses, but any position in the sport. Aside from Dem Boyz, Chris Olave (19.2) and Mike Evans (18.6) teamed up as the only other noteworthy starts for the Taylor Park Boys. Unlike Trevor, Tyler gets to follow his week one opponent, the second-highest scorer, with week one’s highest-scoring team in week two. Devarus is no stranger to early season success, after starting last year 4-0. Hopefully for Tyler, Dan Campbell’s Lions will realize their best player on offense is Jahmyr Gibbs and they will use him as such in week two against Seattle. #FreeTheRB1
The Taylor Park Boys will host a second straight divisional matchup, this time against the woeful Burrows Before Hoes. Putting your money on Opey is the only play here.
Pat JJ’s Chubb – 127.84
Mooney Toons – 119.42
More Real Victory, Not Moral
Starting the most dynamic duo of fantasy receivers to start the season might be a recipe for success in a full-PPR fantasy league. Keaton has just that in Calvin Ridley (24.1) and Justin Jefferson (24). Pairs like this allow fantasy managers to get away with poor lineup decisions like starting Skyy Moore (0.4) in the FLEX as a Thursday night player. That’s just bad fantasy etiquette, and Keaton deserved every bit of the lack of production he got from Moore to open the season. The unfortunate thing for the rest of this league is that Keaton posted the third-highest score of the week while also dominating bench scores, holding 87.70 fantasy points in reserve. Our troll under the bridge may possess one of the most formidable rosters in the league. He needed every bit of this production though, as Cole started just two players with single-digit scores. The Mooney Toons were led by rookies Bijan Robinson (20.3) and Anthony Richardson (20.92). That Richardson pick, as it turns out, ain’t so bad for a man who was handicapped by blindness and deafness at the time he had to make this decision. Cole should take this loss with his head held high. His week one lineup would’ve beaten a lot of others in this league; he just needs to avoid tilting before facing his dear friend and our reigning Sacko, Justin, in week two. Keaton’s Pat JJ’s Chubb aims to stay hot as he faces fellow sophomore, Bobo, in his upcoming bout.
Mike Vick in a Box – 135.34
Deshaun Wantsome – 75.40
MATCHUP OF THE WEEK
What was originally tabbed as our week one MATCHUP OF THE WEEK turned into one of the saddest beatdowns across the league (59.94-point margin). Not quite as bad as the Browns upsetting and dismantling the Bengals, but pretty bad. The amount of hype and buildup to this weekend was unlike anything we’ve ever seen in the Church of Gronk. Actually, remember when USC opened the season against Alabama in that Dallas neutral site game in 2016? USC players were swaying back and forth, jumping around on all fours like a pack of wild animals. They got smacked 52-6... That’s what this felt like. To Dustin’s credit, he was only quiet for a few hours on Sunday afternoon and then got right back to his normal self by Sunday night. Our Co-Commissioner unfortunately had no players in his starting lineup that even sniffed the 20-point threshold, with King Henry (13.9) finishing as his top performer. Dustin’s Deshaun Wantsome lineup even included our first doughnut of the season, Dallas Go-Eat-Dirt (0). Conversely, Devarus held two doughnuts on his roster, Tee Higgins (0) and Hunter Renfrow (0), but still seemed to do no wrong, posting the highest team score of the week. Tyreek Hill (44.5) absolutely exploded as the top fantasy performer across the entire league and was accompanied by Tyler Allgeier (24.4), Travis Etienne (21.4), and the Jets D/ST (20) in this Mike Vick in a Box lineup. After starting 2022 with a 4-0 record, Devarus turned right around and lost five straight matchups, eventually landing in the consolation bracket. His sights are set on changing that narrative and he’ll have a good chance at that with a week two matchup against our Commissioner’s Great Locker Room Guys. Deshaun will definitely want some success in week two, but it might be hard to come by as he faces Trevor’s Sons of AnArchie, fresh off a big win.
Comments