KING HENRY STIFFY – 149.38
KITTLES ‘N BITS – 139.02
We’ll start with a good, ol’ fashioned rivalry game here in the Church of Gronk. The Stiffy popped a Bills-blue-pill on Thursday night with the stack of Josh Allen (31.48) & Stefon Diggs (26.2) connecting for a 53-yard tuddy while Jalen Ramsey stood idly, watching the magic unfold. Ramsey was getting burned like Cali kush all night long, also allowing an early score by Opey’s late-round pick of Gabe Davis (18.8) from 26 yards out. The blow was softened by the fact that the Stiffy QB was the one tossing the pigskin in this situation, and it helps he didn’t look Davis’s way much after. Entering Sunday play down by nearly 40 points, the Kittles brought their Bits and were ready for a fight! Jalen Hurts (24.72), Michael Pittman Jr (27.1), & Amon-Ra St. Brown (20.4) each had wonderful performances in the early window, followed by a late INT for the Cowboy defense on Sunday night to give the Bits an extremely tight advantage of 0.84 points heading into Monday Night Football. For the majority of the first half, Courtland “Popcorn” Sutton (11.2) wasn’t even being looked at by Mr. Unllliiimmmiiittteeeddd, Russell Wilson. However, 1 catch for 30 yards at the end of the first half busted this thing open and the Stiffies never looked back, eventually winning by a double-digit margin. Yet again, the matchup between these two members did not disappoint and made for some great entertainment all the way through Monday night, the way God intended fantasy football to be. Tyler takes the win and the lead in his TEs & Tequila division, while Opey suffers a brutal divisional loss to open the season. But with 13 weeks left to play in the regular season, there’s plenty of football in front of us and anything can happen! King Henry Stiffy will continue division play against The Real Slim Brady (0-1) in week 2, while the Bits will face CeeDeez shriveled Nutz (0-1).
MAGIC CITY SKEET SHOOTERS – 164.00
RIC FLAIR’S HAIR – 101.36
Strutting into the Church of Gronk like a big bulge in a locker room, Keaton “Scratch” Stanfield secures the ass-kicking of the week after pulverizing our reigning three-time champ, Josh Yarber, by a whopping 62.64 margin! Keaton was able to accomplish this unexpected feat with the highest score of the week, 164 points. The Bills defense (17) primed the engine on Thursday night, taking advantage of the Rams and their Super Bowl hangover. Pat Mahomes (34.9) & Justin Jefferson (39.4) went nuclear on their week 1 opponents, with CEH (22.4) benefitting from Mahomes’ success and contributing in a FLEX spot. What makes Keaton’s performance even more impressive is the goose egg he got from DeVonta Smith in the second FLEX position. Bravo, rook. While Josh has taken on somewhat of a Ric Flair persona over the past couple seasons, his roster took on the late Ric Flair persona with saggy pecs, leathery skin, and thin hair, mustering just 101.36 fantasy points. The bright spots in his roster were Tyreek Hill (18) & AJ Dillon (20.1) while Fournette & CMC were twinning with matching scores of 15.7 points, fairly mediocre when compared to expectation. With one of the lower bench scores of the week, I’m afraid Josh didn’t have anywhere to turn for even a glimpse of hope going forward. Now, with Dak trying to finger blast a defender’s helmet and breaking his hand, the puddle becomes even muddier for Josh’s squad. It’s just week 1; can Ric Flair regroup, wash the Magic City Skeet from his hair, and regain some dignity in his week 2 matchup against Zan’s 1-0 Commando Dolphins? That remains to be seen… As for the Magic City Skeet Shooters, let’s see if they blew their load too early or if they can keep this thing rolling when they face the other 1-0 rookie team, Bobo’s B****es.
BOBO’S B****ES – 134.68
THE JR VARSITY – 96.20
It’s only right to follow up the first rookie’s success with the second’s. Let it be noted that both of our 2022 rookies just obliterated both of our 2021 championship participants to open this new season. Unbelievable. Our fantasy league has done a fantastic job of mirroring the opening weekend of actual NFL football. Anyway, Bobo embarrassed 2021 Runner-Up, Alan Jackson, by a whopping 38.48 points! Another impressive performance despite a fat doughnut on the scoreboard from his RB2, Cam Akers. Kareem Hunt (23), Davante Adams (30.1), Ja’Maar Chase (28.9), & the Steelers D (26) all exploded with massive games to give the B****es the fifth-highest score of the week. What’s even wilder is the fact that Bobo’s bench was the highest-scoring of the week (89.58) and would’ve nearly won the matchup themselves! Dalton’s Jr Varsity literally would’ve almost lost to a rookie’s JV team… The irony! With Aaron Rodgers still on an ayahuasca trip, AJ Brown (25.5) & Jaylen Waddle (17.7) tried their best to make The Jr Varsity competitive. Unfortunately, the rest of the roster floundered below the 15-point threshold with a lot of them providing single-digit scores. Bobo’s B****es will take this big win and positive momentum into a week 2 matchup against fellow 1-0 rookie regime, the Magic City Skeet Shooters, to prove which newcomer is really about that action. The Jr Varsity will lick their wounds and get ready to host Winning is [not] a Brees (0-1) in hopes of getting back on track.
BAD JUJU – 112.00
CEEDEEZ NUTZ – 93.86
After a ton of smack-talk and money wagered throughout the preseason, we FINALLY got to watch our beloved Co-Commish duke it out with our favorite founding father. Out of nine total starters on the roster, CeeDeez Nutz had just three turn in double-digit scores. The only real highlight players came out of FLEX spots, Christian “Captain” Kirk (17.7) & Cordarrelle Patterson (22.6). Yet, the Nutz still took a lead of almost 20 points into Monday night’s action! This was due to Dustin truly suffering from some Bad JuJu on Sunday with only one player performance worth talking about, Jonathan Taylor (27.5). Unfortunately for Justin, he had to watch with sphincter clinched as the Bronco stack of DangeRuss Wilson (17.8) & Jerry “Judge” Jeudy (20.2) connected for a 67-yard score midway through the second quarter of MNF. Though it wasn’t an absolute beatdown and had both team owners biting their nails for the majority of the weekend, a win is a win and a loss is a loss. After putting up the lowest score of the week, CeeDeez Nuts have shriveled and are wondering when things might warm up enough for them to drop again. Next week looks manageable with them facing a Kittles ‘N Bits (0-1) team that is coming off a tough loss and tends to have more bad luck than talent at times. Bad JuJu management has officially committed the first trade assault of the year with their front office unloading the old, white, #2-at-best WR, Adam Thielen, and a rookie WR in a run-first offense, Treylon Burks, on unsuspecting rookie management over in Magic City. In return, the JuJu roster got much better by receiving a young star WR who just got paid in Scary Terry McLaurin and likely second-year-stud DeVonta Smith. This move has to boost a little bit of confidence into the team even though they’ll face a strong 1-0 Vick in a Box team carrying a reborn Saquon Barkley and some very favorable week 2 matchups on their roster.
COMMANDO DOLPHINS – 111.92
WINNING IS A BREES – 110.96
In what may very well be the tightest margin of victory this season, Zan’s Commando Dolphins prove yet again that Winning isn’t such a Brees with a win by just 0.96 points! What a matchup… This one came down to Monday night in the most serious of ways. Brandon had two guys in play, Rashaad Penny (8.7) & Tyler Lockett (5.8). Zan had three in play, Javonte Williams (19.8), Noah Fant (4.6), & DK Metcalf (8.6). It’s mindboggling that this matchup could’ve literally been flipped if just one of these players had one catch more, or one catch less. We can’t recall a Monday night with two opponents having so many guys in play? Considering this one was so close, it can’t be stated with confidence that there was one position that stood out over another. Zan’s highlights came from Film Study Murray (20.62), Miles Sanders (18.5), and previously mentioned Javonte. Brandon’s highlights came from Justin Herbert (23.26), Joe Mixon (21.5), & Mike Evans (18.1). These are two of the nicer guys in our league and they both duked it out until the bitter end. They'll both continue to compete and eventually contend for a wild card playoff spot at the very least. The good news for both of these owners is that they each get to face 0-1 opponents who looked ROUGH in week 1. Zan’s Dolphins look to go commando as they tea-bag Ric Flair’s Hair in week 2. Brandon will see if winning can be more of a Brees as they line up against the lowly Jr Varsity.
MIKE VICK IN A BOX – 135.92
THE REAL SLIM BRADY – 119.92
2021 Sacko Bowl survivor, Mike Vick in a Box, entered 2022 with ill intentions and chose violence in this week 1 victory over two-time champion and founding father, The Real Slim Brady. It all started with Cooper Kupp picking up where he left off at the end of last season, somehow scoring 31.8 fantasy points as his real-life Rams scored just 10. It’s crazy how that works! The hits kept on coming in Sunday’s early window as Lamar Jackson (20.22) & Saquon Barkley (33.4) showed all of us that they are still good at football and haven’t gone anywhere! Cole’s highlights came from Antonio Gibson (20), Travis Kelce (26.1), & Michael Carter (17). To be honest, Joe Burrow had so many turnovers that he almost single-handedly cost Slim Brady this matchup. While we’re here, isn’t it funny that one of the thicker guys in our league decided to name his team “The Real Slim” anything? Just a thought… Anyway, it appears that Devarus may very well pull his Vick out of a box in week 2 against his dear friend, Dustin. He’ll likely have a three-headed Ram stack of Stafford/Kupp/Higbee facing the snake-bitten Falcons, along with an apparently full-strength Saquon against a Panthers team that just gave up nearly 40 fantasy points to the Browns' RB duo. He’s already stated that confidence is at an all-time high going into this matchup, and we ask “Why the hell wouldn’t it be?!” Early projections favor D-var by more than 20 points. Cole’s Slim Brady will take their 0-1 record to daddy’s house to see the Commish’s 1-0 King Henry Stiffy. Mark Andrews vs Travis Kelce will be something to watch in this divisional showdown.
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