Hock Tua – 116.82
Great Locker Room Guys – 83.06
The #AlphaApexPredator Spit on That Thang
In the earliest moments of the 2024 season, things began to look bleak for the Church of Gronk Commissioner. Lamar Jackson (25.12) & Derrick Henry (10.6) appeared to be a rushing stack to be feared in 2024. The game script would soon fall out of King Henry’s favor, forcing the Ravens to move the ball quickly and through the air. Despite that, Lamar would go on to rush for more than 120 yards, tossing the pill for nearly 300. Not fearing, though, Tyler was looking forward to the debut of the Burrow-Chase stack in Cincinnati. Quickly, that excitement was doused with disappointment. Chase’s contract dispute led to a decreased workload for the elite wide receiver, leaving him to score a mediocre 12.2 fantasy points. Burrow would go on to barely break 150 passing yards, and neither of these Bengals would find the endzone. Adding insult to injury, the Bengals’ 16-10 home loss to one of the worst teams in the NFL would also get him and his beloved fantasy league bounced from their Eliminator Challenge. To make matters worse, big fantasy names like Brandon Aiyuk (4.8) & Dalton Kincaid (2.1) pissed their fantasy beds. Meanwhile, Joe Mixon tied his career high in attempts in his first game in a new uniform, scoring 26.8 fantasy points in the Texans’ win over their division foe, the Indianapolis Colts. A quick glance at this box score tells the tale – the Great Locker Room Guys were not so great, with only three starters reaching double-digits. On the other side, Hock Tua had just three starters failed to reach double-digits. The good news for Tyler is that he gets a chance to rebound from this season-opening loss to a division opponent with a second divisional game, this one against the also 0-1 Itty Bitty TD Committee. Justin will take this win into a week 2 matchup with our reigning Sacko, Jaime, who is fresh off winning the closest matchup of the opening week.
Pollard Greens – 158.56
Mike Vick in a Box – 117.88
Reigning Champ Loses to Rival’s Starters AND Backups
The Church of Gronk is one of the more competitive fantasy football leagues around, so it’s extremely rare to see something like this. The Dustin-vs-Devarus rivalry is truly one of the best in this league. Two guys who’s friendship dates back to early childhood, growing through adolescence, into college roommates, and even being part of each other’s wedding parties. The smack-talk between these two is relentless and deep-rooted. With Devarus coming off of his first career championship, the vibes from Buford were as positive as ever. But Co-Commissioner Watkins had one sole mission on his mind in week 1 – destroying his dearest friend, most bitter rival, and our reigning league champion. His plan went into motion early in the week, during the Friday night game in Brazil. Dustin’s pair of Eagles, Saquad Barkley (33.2) & AJ Brown (22.9), became one of the most lethal duos of the entire week. These performances basically nullified the rookie debut of Xavier Worthy (20.8) in Kansas City just one night before. Devarus would make one more push at competing with Josh Allen’s 31.18 points on Sunday afternoon, but was served a heaping helping of humble pie on Sunday night, when Puka Nacua (8.2) found himself on a one-way trip to the injured reserve list. To make matters worse, Dustin’s Pollard Greens were even more the direct beneficiaries of Nacua’s injury, as they held Cooper Kupp (32) and his 21 targets in their starting lineup. What makes this matchup so rare is not that Dustin beat Devarus so badly, but that his bench also outscored his opponent, meaning there’s really no other way to say it than Devarus had a snowball’s chance in Hell of winning this week. I believe it goes without saying, but Dustin burst onto the 2024 Church of Gronk scene with the highest score and highest bench total (118.82) of the opening weekend. Our Co-Commish is riding a huge wave of momentum into a week 2 bout with another 1-0 opponent, Skeetin’ Keaton Stanfield. Devarus gets a really good shot to even his record in week 2, facing another 0-1 team that posted the lowest score of week 1 – Dalton’s Amon Dat Sauce.
My Nabers Johnson – 99.88
Kansas Swifty Chiefs – 85.54
Sober Keaton Eats Wpussy (the “W” is Silent)
The irony of this headline is that, if memory serves correctly, Keaton swore at the draft party that he, in fact, does NOT serve his female partners the helping of cunnilingus they rightfully deserve for the simple act of taking him to bed. Good news for him, though; his sexual indecency has nothing to do with how his fantasy team performed, and he got his rocks off to open the season with a double-digit victory over his divisional captain, Knowlton “Bobo” Hicks. Anthony Richardson (26.08) led the winning effort as the highest-scoring player on the entire card, out-dueling Bobo’s start of Patrick Mahomes (15.14). Not a bad way to rebound from an injury-plagued rookie season. The running backs exchanged blows like this was a heavyweight bout. The K-Dub pair of Kyren Williams (14.40) & Kenneth Walker (18.9) both found the endzone for My Nabers Cousins Johnson, as did Breece Hall (18.3) & De’Von Achane (23) for the Kansas Swifty Chiefs. The lower half of these starting lineups is where the breaks were found, though. Both teams saw three starters each score less than 5 fantasy points, but Keaton was able to snag the win because he had two bottom-half starters reach double digits (Garrett Wilson & Malik Nabers), while Bobo had just one (Austin Ekeler). The fact that Bobo started Cole Kmet in his TE slot would be the first thing a spectator is likely to notice, making enough of a case on its own for why this team lost. Not something you’d expect from a team fresh off a championship appearance… Knowlton & his shitty Chiefs have a chance to find the win column in a week 2 contest against a good friend, Brandon. Mr. Sexual Vanilla will take this win and try to take another when he faces off with #1 ranked Dustin and his Pollard Greens next weekend.
To Infinity & Bijan – 132.24
Amon Dat Sauce – 76.58
Shady Acres Receiving Corp Carries B-Dub to First Dub
To welcome Dalton back from a one-year hiatus, Brandon decided to gift him an absolute beatdown, winning by a margin of 55.66 points. I guess you could call this Dalton’s “welcome (back) to the league” moment. As you could probably guess, judging by the final score, there couldn’t be a bigger contrast between the two sides of this scorecard. Where Dalton only had four of nine starters reach double digits, Brandon had just one starter fail to do so. The closest positional battle of this contest just so happened to be the QB position, where Trevor Lawrence (11.28) and his $55M annual salary went toe-to-toe with Brock Purdy (10.34) and his $985k salary. Boy, if that doesn’t make Jaguar fans spit up just a little bit… Let’s take a quick, and I mean QUICK, look at the highlight starters for Amon Dat Sauce: Jahmyr Gibbs (17.4) & Deebo Samuel (18.7). That’s it. That’s the list. Moving on! A trio of, not even aging, but AGED wide receivers led the way for Brandon and his Toy Story inspired team. Just like Sid the animated psychopath from the 1995 Pixar hit, Brandon put together a lineup of old toys in Mike Evans (23.1), Stefon Diggs (21.9), & Davante Adams (10.9), all receivers age 30+. Dalton will most definitely be “on dat sauce” this week, after taking the first ass kicking of the week right on the chin. He’ll be looking for something to leave a better taste in his mouth in week 2, when he gets a chance to line it up with another 0-1 opponent, Mike Vick in a Box. As for Brandon, he’ll take his drink like he takes his wide receivers – old as f***. Our resident bourbon snob is drinking his whiskey neat, puffing on a cigar, and basking in the ambience of victory right now. He’ll need to stay focused though, as he opens divisional play in week 2, against none other than his division captain, Bobo Hicks.
Taylor Park Boys – 94.96
Sons of AnArchie – 93.68
Sacko Finds a “W”; And He Ain’t Talkin’ Waffles
Following one of the worst collapses in league history, Jaime “Opey” Jones redeemed himself in the opening of the 2024 fantasy season. In the spirit of reflection, let’s just take a look back at last season. Opey’s Taylor Park Boys finished 6-8. That’s not great, but it’s also not the worst. However, he took that record into a three-week Sacko Bowl against one of the worst records the Church of Gronk has ever seen in Cole’s (R.I.P.) 3-11 Mooney Toons. Opey would go on to lose the Sacko Bowl, and have to spend roughly 10 hours in the Ringgold, Georgia Waffle House one fateful day in early August. Now let’s bring the focus back to current. It’s not often you see a fantasy player get double-digit scores from less than half of his or her lineup and still eke out a win. But the chances are never zero! Especially if their opponent has a literal zero in their lineup, which is exactly what Trevor got from rookie running back, Isaac Guerendo. The kid didn’t record a single touch in CMC’s absence, likely due to the fact that Jordan Mason came out as a certified DAWG and didn’t leave any meat on the bone for anyone else in the San Fran backfield. It’s extremely difficult to win with a donut in your lineup, and we know this was a hard result to swallow for Trevor. He had a few starters offer up solid performances, like Isaiah Pacheco (15.8), Jaylen Waddle (16.2), Rashee Rice (17.3), & even the Chargers D/ST (14). However, that defensive performance was nullified by Opey’s start of the Saints D/ST (14). The easy thing to assume would be that Opey’s start of the explosive Tyreek Hill (26) was the winning difference in this matchup. I would beg to differ. It was the losing difference in this matchup with Trevor’s decision to start Guerendo when he could’ve played literally anyone else on his team NOT named Christian and would’ve come away with the victory. But the early part of a fantasy season is about finding out what your team is made of, and who you are as a manager. We’ll see if the cowboy can find his way back into the saddle in his week 2 matchup against league legend, Josh Yarber. Opey will go into week 2 screaming “A win is a win is a win!” And he’s right. It doesn’t matter if you win by 1.28, or 128. The winner of our tightest matchup of week 1 will put his luck on the line next weekend, when he’ll see if Justin will give him the Hock Tua treatment and “spit on that thang.”
Ho’s Down Breece Up – 114. 68
Itty Bitty TD Committee – 87.42
Former C.O.G. League Attorney Sues Marvin Harrison Jr.
Our barefoot baron traded in one of the better team names of his entire C.O.G. career for a new one in 2024, giving up Bateman & Dobbins for Itty Bitty TD Committee. After this past weekend, I’m certain he wishes he would’ve stuck with the name of a legal firm, as he could’ve filed his own fraud lawsuit against Marvin Harrison Jr. Between Fanatics, Zan, and all the other MHJ owners across the fantasy landscape, this thing could go class action. Marvin (1.4) was not only one of the highest-drafted wide receivers in NFL history, but also one of the highest-drafted rookie wide receivers in fantasy history. All of that just to provide his faithful fans 1 reception for 4 yards in his professional debut. Disgusting. Maybe this is Zan’s karma for choosing such a bland team name? This is the bed you’ve made, hippie… At least Zan drafted a Cardinal that is actually valuable for fantasy, James Conner (19.3). The only other highlight-worthy player in the season opening lineup for the Itty Bitty TD Committee was Rhamondre Stevenson (21.6), as the entire bottom-half of the card failed to reach double digits, with four of those five failing to score even 5 fantasy points. Across the fantasy field, Josh had just three starters finish with single-digit scores, with Nico Collins (17.7), Tony Pollard (18.4), & Jameson Williams (24.4) clearing the path to a decisive first win of the year. Josh hopes to keep up his winning ways in a week 2 matchup against a fellow playoff team from 2023, Trevor’s Sons of AnArchie. Zan opens division play against the league Commissioner, Tyler, and his 0-1 Great Locker Room Guys.
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